empty the skies out
by fosil
Summary: Felicity waved goodbye, hopped on the train to Central City, where she would stay for three years and four months. (three years, countless encounters with Team Arrow, slight crossover, Felicity/Oliver, some Barry/Iris, Felicity POV, three parts)
1. watch from the ground

_May 2015_

It didn't work out with Ray and he was surprisingly fine with it. When she left the job, there was no animosity nor was the breakup the reason she put in the two weeks notice. This was very obvious because she had resigned prior to the breakup, but yes, after the very clear signs that neither his heart nor hers were fully committed to a love between them.

"Where are you planning on working?" he had asked.

With a serene smile, she happily said, "I'm not sure".

"Is it raise time? Or are my projects becoming boring? Did the ATOM project throw you for a loop, I swear when it's done, you'll get it," and he was being half humorous half serious and she would miss that the most about him.

(She knew at this point, at the turning in of that impersonal generic later, that they were coming to an end. )

She chuckled and shook her head. "It's not you or the money. "

And somewhere in his head, Ray could hear her multiple reasons. _'This insane city that was turning predictable, Oliver Queen, this stunted love, arrows and tired avoidance of implications.'_

There, when he realized he was not a factor in her leaving or staying with the company, was when he knew he never had her at all.

They were a quiet two weeks, a quiet breakup that left her a little more alone, but not inconsolable. Because she had been feeling the distance and strandedness for months now, and it was not too long after she laid down her letter of notice that she realized it wasn't meant just for Palmer Technologies. It was, it turned out to be, her notice to the city, her notice to the man she'd loved for going on more than a year now. Bones could only keep her at his side for so long.

(The ground had long moved under her, plates making sufficient room for two. But the room stayed at one.

And now there was a very specific vacancy. A space unfilled but formed to fit only one particular thing, and she tried flooding it away, filling it up with knick knacks and this person or that person, but the space stayed all the same. So she kept it beside herself, bearing the weight herself and this was how she became stronger. And after she moved all the bones around, moving on turned into the easy part of it all.)

"When you quit Palmer Tech, had you already decided to work for Dr. Wells?" Oliver had his hands dug in his pockets, his best poker face on.

"With Dr. Wells," she corrected him, "and no. I didn't have a plan when I quit, I just didn't want to work there anymore."

She sat sturdy at her desk in the foundry, Oliver looking down at her. This was a private conversation, the foundry all theirs for a few minutes before the space was taken up by everyone else. Oliver was the first person she wanted to tell.

"So this wasn't the plan, it wasn't your intention to leave us?"

Suddenly, this felt like an interrogation, like she had some crime to explain and confess to.

He had thought, she knew, that she was going to focus on Team Arrow fully, one-hundred percent of the time now. That's what her two weeks meant to him, a commitment, a foolish swell of hope that she would be his, in that small way again. Like the foundry wasn't already a tight space with Diggle, Roy, Oliver, Laurel, the occasional indecisive Thea, the random guest appearance from Lyla, and Felicity taking up the room.

"Actually, it wasn't the plan and then it was-"

"Felicity," he stepped forward, and he took a hand out of his pocket to bring it to his forehead, covering his eyes.

Felicity shook her head. "I wasn't sure, but I had been thinking about it, for more than a while. It was just an idea, but every time I've worked with Dr. Wells, the idea's gotten bigger. And whenever I'm at STAR labs, Oliver it's...it's different and exciting."

"It's different because you're there for a moment, away from home. It's like when you go on vacation, you nurse the idea of moving, but it's not home. Plus, there's still something about that guy I don't like."

"Don't belittle this, Oliver. It's not some little adrenaline rush. It's a place where I get to help all kinds of people, people whose lives have been turned upside down, and in the process, we get to learn so many amazing things. I get to do that full time, and I don't need a cover job. I can say tell people, 'hey, I work at STAR Labs,' loud and proud. Not that what I'm looking for is vindication or a pat on the back, I just would like to focus on one whole thing, and this is good for me."

He wasn't happy about it, but he couldn't argue against what she believed was best for her, so he wouldn't try to dissuade her further.

Besides, they had been cracking under each other for the past year, a load of 'if onlys' and desires creasing their spines. He wanted her close always, and it was for that selfish reason alone that on her last day, he wished her luck without a tone of discord.

;;

_June 2015_

And when everyone but him bid her farewell at the train station - he had said his best of luck to her at the Foundry, suited up as the Arrow, rushing off to track someone down on his own - she knew he had made it so he didn't have to say goodbye at the base that would take her away from him. It was a final gift to himself and her that she appreciated, a refusal to say goodbye, a cut of hope that she was leaving but not staying over there forever.

("If this girl Chloe you've left us with isn't an exact replica in terms of skills and personality, I'm going to hunt you down and drag you back myself," said Laurel, a smirk on her face, although Felicity sensed she was pretty serious.

"Well, color me scared," Felicity laughed nervously. She hugged Laurel, whispering in her ear, "Be careful out there, and keep an eye on Oliver. He won't admit it, but you're getting better at this vigilante thing than him." Laurel nodded, stifling a chuckle and tears.

Diggle was completely unmade, throat clogged up, he had to mutter his words quickly. "We'll still be here when you're ready." Felicity kissed his cheek and nodded, though she didn't know to what.

Roy hugged for a few quick seconds, saying with a playful smile, "I'll be dropping by," he promised.

"Not necessary, but definitely appreciated," she replied.

Thea stood close to her, hesitant on a hug, but she did want to say something, only for her to hear. "He needs you, he's going to lose himself more and more the longer you're away."

Thea had been a thorny issue for months now, but everyone could agree that she was very observative.

"He's got a big team, now. And Laurel and Diggle know to keep him grounded. He'll survive."

It took a lot for Felicity to say that concisely, but it was the last bit of Team Arrow she had in her.)

Felicity waved goodbye, hopped on the train to Central City, where she would stay for three years and four months.

;;

_August 2015_

It didn't take long for Roy to keep his promise, just two months. It was an innocuous visit, a small desire for him to get away from Starling for a bit. He had not been the same since he found out he had, in part, been responsible for an innocent's death. (It had been close to two years since it happened, but people like Roy don't get over things like that, ever.)

"This is a nice apartment," Roy said, his eyes roaming the spacious living room.

"I know!" Felicity squealed. "Well, it's only two rooms and a bathroom and a half, but it's so much better than my old place."

"Dr. Wells must pay nice."

Felicity didn't verbalize anything, only gave a small nod that Roy did not see.

They made small talk, Felicity set him up in her small bedroom, and she took him to the lab to have dinner with her new co-workers. It was a very quick dinner, because not soon after, Roy and Barry were rushing off after the latest meta-human causing trouble in the city. This did not surprise Felicity, that she couldn't even get a visitor without the city needing her immediate attention.

It was frustrating at times, but she knew what she signed up for. Hell, she had signed a new contract with stranger risks. The pay off, saving people and second or third chances, they were worth it.

And Roy had fit in extremely well. She gathered that's why he had invited himself to Central City. She noted that the first time she worked with Barry and his people, his quiet temper had slid in quite well with Barry's non-linear awkwardness. The perfect unevenness that was the opposite tone Roy had with Oliver-and Felicity understood why sometimes it was necessary to step outside of that.

Everyone made it out safe and sound, even baddie of the week, and for once, it only took a few hours. Once it was all done, Roy and Felicity trekked it back to her apartment, where Felicity fussed over the scratch on his neck until he snapped her hand away enough times for her to give up.

"Have you always been this fussy about surface wounds?" Roy mocked her.

Felicity gaped at him, then threw a pillow at his head. The pillow muffled a surprised whimper.

"Sorry!" Felicity yelped.

Roy pushed the pillow aside and shrugged, "It's-no, I probably deserved that."

The truth was, she was overcompensating. It was nothing more than a scratch, she had seen much, much worse done to her team-former team.

"How is everything in Starling?" she asked quietly. She felt a quiet hum in the room, the question she had since the first full day she was gone from her home finally out there, all the while her number one question still unspoken.

Roy didn't feel the same zip of air settling below their feet. He took a sip of the hot cocoa she made, and nodded clumsily. "Good," he said after swallowing, "average, I guess, for Starling."

He smiled tightly at her, and when all he saw was a vacant, comprehensive nod at her end, he cocked his head, perplexed.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

He sucked in his cheek, the smaller hollow in his mouth allowing his brain to process what she really wanted to know.

"We're fine, too. Diggle and Lyla and baby Sara are amazing, Laurel disappeared for a few days a couple of weeks ago, like she tends to do. Go off on her solo missions, kick ass, come back to reshape us. That girl you got us, Chloe, is amazing. She knows her stuff."

He looked over at her, and quickly corrected himself, "not as well as you, of course."

"Clearly," Felicity chuckled.

"And Oliver's doing fine. I promise."

Felicity mustered a small smile, "Good."

"And how are things on your end? They being good to you?"

"They're great. Caitlin and Cisco are amazing, so smart and they-well, it's nice to not have to translate my babbling."

"We never thought you babbled," Roy reassured her. Felicity sighed, saying, "thanks."

They left it at that, with Roy not saying that Oliver was moodier than usual and that Diggle was having trouble adjusting to Chloe's unique definition of teamwork. With Felicity not mentioning that she was closing in on the case that brought her into Central City to begin with.

Yes, Felicity Smoak had an ulterior motive. STAR Labs was a fantastic opportunity, and yes she wanted a change of pace, and yes she wanted to be away from Oliver's excuses, but the reason she considered the option of moving at all was because she had one day, three months before moving, decided to take up Oliver's suspicion of Dr. Wells seriously.

She had known Dr. Wells for nine months at that point, and she admired his progress as an innovator greatly, so she felt a little guilty about teaming up with Iris West to have him sort of, just curiously, investigating him.

Yep, she had roped in Iris as well. She was the perfect person to keep an eye out for odd activity from Barry's mentor, what with her interest in reporting, quick wit, and proximity to the subject without even being too much on his radar.

("Is this an executive order from the Arrow?" she asked when they met in person the first week of Felicity's move.

Iris had heard it through the grapevine that Felicity worked for the Arrow, and although she occasionally asked about his real identity, for the most part she left it alone.

"No, this is more my thing?"

"Ooh, we starting our own crime division? You do the hacking, I do the street reporting, let's see, Eddie can be the unsuspecting inside source, I'm thinking we just need to round out the team, maybe recruit someone to be the muscle? Who am I kidding, I can do that too."

Felicity laughed.

"I'm serious," Iris said all too earnestly.

"I just found a few things on him that were...strange. And I know he's a friend to Barry and you probably don't want to get in the middle of that-"

"Felicity," Iris stopped her, grabbing her hands, "I trust you. You say the guy's sketchy, he's sketchy, and I don't want Barry getting into any trouble. I am the muscle in the family after all."

Felicity pushed down a grin. "Not your dad?"

In a hushed tone she said, "He's getting old."

After a beat, Iris pulled back, and in a serious voice said, "So does the Arrow even know you're doing this out here?"

Felicity shook her head, motioning 'no'. "I felt this needed a discreet touch, and his methods are very effective, but this Dr. Wells thing may affect another 'vigilante' altogether."

Iris raised her eyebrows and pursed her lips. "You mean the Flash?"

"That's what I'm hoping we'll find out.")

;;

_late October 2015_

[21:20] : Oliver. Hi.

[21:23] oliverjqueen : Hey. How are you?

[21:24] : Great. You? How's Dig? THE BABY? This e-mail thing is weird. Who does that anymore? Me apparently.

[21:24] oliverjqueen : They're all great. Sara's a runner. She's not allowed in the Foundry anymore. You're welcome to call or text me.

[21:26] : I heard. She sounds amazing. And no, I like this. It's like we're back at QC and I'm shooting you a dozen e-mails, but this time you're actually responding.

[21:31] oliverjqueen : In the days before the island, we had this IM thing.

[21:31] : Custom instant messenger coming up. Close any windows on your screen you don't want me to see.

/

[21:56] S: HI!

IMTHEQUEEN: This is a very bright green and red. Is this a Christmas theme?

[21:57] IMTHEQUEEN: What is this screename?

IMTHEQUEEN: Why are the star lab assistants asking to be my friends already?

S: You can change your name in the settings. IMO the name is not wrong...but yeah, should probably change it.

[21:58] S: And I invited everyone on our teams to be part of our very own IM system.

[22:01] S: Oliver?

[22:03] Q: IMO? Who exactly and can they see this conversation?

S: In my opinion, and no acronyms, duly noted.

[22:04] S: Barry, Caitlin, Cisco, Laurel, Roy, Diggle, Lyla, and Chloe. And nope, this is a private conversation. Just sent Barry a message to tutor you.

Q: Dammit he's here.

[22:05] S: I'm erasing this entire conversation off the face of the planet because I named names. Goodnight!

Q: Fel-

She laughed while she erased the conversation, then squinted her eyes to read Cisco, Barry's and Caitlin's screen names. Caitlin's was a simple 'Sno', and Cisco's was a 'C' (she imagined he wanted a million less innocuous ones but reason won out) but Barry liked having his fun far more.

[22:09] S: I will change your screename if you don't.

IAMBARRYFAST: We're the only ones with access to this.

[22:10] S: Sure, let's take chances.

MRALLENNOTMRQUEEN: ?

S: I am going to screenshot this and send it to Mr. Queen himself.

F: You win.

Barry locked his phone and shoved it in his pockets.

"Was that her?" Oliver asked.

"Yep," he answered.

"How is she doing?"

Oliver sat at a computer in the Foundry, just a couple of stations over from Chloe who was working on something furiously at her computer.

"You could ask her."

"Just answer the question, Barry."

Barry sighed. The man was always so serious.

"She's great. She's basically Iris' best friend now, and all they ever do is talk in hushed tones and freeze up whenever I'm around, but that's probably because things between me and Iris are eternally weird now."

Oliver stared at him. "Sorry," Barry breathed, "she really is doing amazing. It feels like she's in charge sometimes, even. Seriously, I think our team was just waiting for her to come around."

Oliver turned his back to Barry at that. "So it's that easy," and he clarified, "Felicity's messaging program, pretty standard."

"Uh, yeah," Barry nodded though Oliver wasn't looking at him, "like any other IM thing, just extra secure and only accessible to us."

Oliver had Barry run off seconds after that, he was perfectly capable of running the program on his own.

One thing Oliver could appreciate about Chloe was that she knew when not to speak up. But when she did speak up, although necessary, sometimes it was too much for someone as stubborn as he.

Over her shoulder, she shouted, "Just pick up the phone. E-mails and messages won't hold you up forever."

He grumbled, stood up, and announced, "I'm going home."

She smiled at him, her short blond hair still strange for him to see instead of the swinging ponytail.

"Have a goodnight Mr. Queen."

;;

_November 2015_

Iris had a good steady temper, but she had no patience for bullshit. So when it became unnecessary for her to gather evidence because the truth was right there, staring at her, she couldn't not confront it. She had put two and two together.

Felicity kept ringing her, but she didn't answer. She had to call Barry in, and he was not going to be happy. She rang him.

"Hey Felicity."

"It's Dr. Wells," she spit out, she in the parking lot of STAR Labs, Caitlin missing and Cisco knocked out in his car. "He's the Reverse Flash. Iris found out and she went to confront him in his apartment, and I think Caitlin went with her-"

Barry was suited up, in front of her.

"They're not at his apartment."

Felicity shook, cold and frightened all at once.

"There's another set of hallways in the labs not in the blueprints. I found them a few weeks ago, but we needed more information but Iris, Iris figured it out, I don't know-"

He picked her up, and ran them to her office, where she showed him the schematics she found in Dr. Wells computer. Barry wanted to know everything about her investigation, but he would do it later.

He took her with him to the secret passageway where she hacked into the security frame, and then rushed off without her. She whipped out her phone, and dialed the Foundry.

"Chloe."

"Chloe, it's Felicity."

"Clearly."

"I need-Barry's up against," she stopped herself. This was Barry's fight. Maybe he needed backup, but that was it. "If Diggle or Laurel is around, tell them I might need them tonight."

Diggle could get a jet from Lyla and Laurel could practically fly, plus they were the more reasonable ones on the team. They would listen to her if she asked them to not jump right away.

"Diggle's here, he's on his way. Roy's with him."

"Thank you."

They hung up, and Felicity gulped hard. She had her own idea on how to help.

She jogged to Dr. Wells official station, uploaded all his data to an external drive, and destroyed his station. She heard a commotion and ran in the direction of the noise.

"Felicity!" It was Caitlin, who sounded more urgent than wounded, thankfully-hopefully.

Felicity reached her, and gasped when she saw a gash across her forehead.

Felicity reached out to her head, then pulled Caitlin in for a hug.

"Felicity, Felicity," Caitlin sounded, she realized, shocked not urgent.

Felicity pulled back. "Dig and Roy are coming, is Iris behind you, where's Barry?"

"I-I...they disappeared. Just, I didn't see them go in any direction, Dr. Wells had Iris, and Barry charged at him, and they were just gone."

Felicity sat Caitlin down, grabbed the nearest towel, pressed it to her forehead, and ran to the door she had opened for Barry earlier.

She ran down a small hall until she reached a cold room where an empty wheelchair stood. She yelled Barry's and Iris' name, she banged on the walls and even found another hallway, and she dialed both their phones, but there was never an answer.

She spun herself back to the main labs where Diggle was carrying Caitlin to a table and Roy was pacing frantically.

He spotted her and rushed over.

Caitlin was crying and he didn't know what to do, couldn't even say anything. Diggle shouted, "let's get her to the hospital." He turned his head and saw Felicity. "You okay?" he yelled.

She nodded, managed to say, "Yes."

She closed her eyes, sucked in a deep breath, and when she opened her eyes, she saw Barry Allen collapse in front of her, and Iris West yell "Barry!" as she kneeled beside him.

/

Felicity sat outside the hospital room, counting the minutes. He usually recovered in minutes. It'd been two hours.

She heard very deliberate steps and her heart stopped. Oliver had called her on the way to the hospital, asking her if she was okay. He hadn't chastised her yet.

She looked up and sure enough there was Oliver Queen. He sat beside her, and neither spoke immediately.

Felicity bit her lip and finally looked over at him. "I was investigating him just weeks before I moved over here. When I got here, I asked Iris for help. She figured she could trust me, and so she did. For months, there was nothing, just this suspicion that he was behind some weird disappearances. But then Iris found alias after alias of Dr. Wells, leading all the way back to the Reverse Flash's first known appearance. At that point, it was just about catching him in the act."

"Did she? Catch him in the act? Is that how this happened tonight?"

Oliver finally looked back at her. She had stopped crying a couple of hours ago, but her face was still flushed.

"I'm not totally clear yet. She's in there with Barry," she pointed at the room. "Something happened because she's not really willing to talk. Even Joe can't get at her right now. I think they're just focusing on Barry right now."

She looked down, her hands fiddling in her lap.

Oliver felt his throat unhinge, but he snapped it back. He was angry but he was also grateful to, one, see Felicity safe, and two, see Felicity at all. He'd seen her a few months back when he dropped by with Laurel to help on a case, but it'd been brief and absolutely professional. All straightened backs and absolute words.

He placed a hand over hers, and gently pressed them. "I wish you had let me help, that you told me, that you and Iris hadn't gone rogue mission on this. But you've kept them alive and they know who their enemy is now, so…"

Felicity let him keep his hand there, even reaching one hand over it. "I knew it was going to hurt you when you found it, so you can get mad at me Oliver. But it's something I felt I could handle."

"Was this why you left us, too?"

Felicity pulled her hands away. "It was amongst my other valid reasons."

It stung him, that she meant that, and that she was clearly done talking about it.

He stood up and cleared his throat. "I'm going to see him."

Felicity avoided his gaze and he stepped in.

Surprisingly, Iris stepped out a moment after he went in.

"Iris," Felicity stared in wonderment at her. She stood up, and enveloped Iris in a deep hug. She felt her friend shake, heard her cry, felt her crying on her shoulder, her sweater padding her.

"I'm sorry," whispered Iris.

"Don't be."

They stood hugging for several minutes, until Iris wiped at her eyes, forcing herself to stop crying.

"I'm going to tell you," she said resolutely.

"You don't have to. It's been a long day."

"No, Felicity, I have to tell someone the things I've seen today."

She pulled back from Felicity's arms, and had her sit beside her.

She kept a hand on Felicity, and started.

"I found out who the Flash was, that it was Barry. It was that day I needed someone to pick up my TV from Eddie's apartment, it was the last thing left, and you weren't answering."

"Still sorry about that," Felicity interjected. Iris waved it off.

"My dad was busy, said he had a hostage situation downtown, which was fine. I was going to go, maybe get a neighbor to help. So I get there, and Barry's walking down the steps, carrying the TV with my former upstairs neighbor. He loads it in my dad's truck, and I ask him how he knew I needed help. He said you'd told him, that you were going to be tied up and he didn't mind. So he leaves, and I'm thanking my old neighbor, trying to say goodbye, when he says Barry did most of the heavy lifting. Barry had the tv at the steps just seconds after he'd ask him for help. It was such a small comment, but I guess when the truth is right there, it just takes something small."

Iris paused. "I mean, he's always been pretty scrawny, not the strongest guy, and he's clumsy. But he had the tv on the steps in seconds. My 72 inch TV. And Barry is friends with Dr. Wells, who is probably the Reverse Flash, who has it out for the Flash, who is the Flash because of Dr. Wells. There was no question, Felicity."

Then she let go of Felicity's hands. "And then I was angry. Barry was lying to me, all this time. Even you lied to me, but iIt was his secret to tell, not yours. I calmed myself down. I was going to yell at Barry when I wasn't so pissed off at everything else, not so disoriented from my breakup with Eddie. Just be only mad at Barry. But I didn't last long, just a few days. I was going to go straight after my shift, and I had the luck of Caitlin stopping by for coffee at the close of my shift, so I invited her along. I only told her I had to pick something up from my old place-she didn't know where I used to live-and to wait outside. I left you a voicemail on my way up to Dr. Wells apartment. Felicity, I-"

She stopped. Then continued.

"I was going to knock him out when he wasn't looking, call Caitlin up, and...it was foolish, I knew even then. But he hurt Barry in so many ways. Anyway, he was too fast, I was too slow. I told him what I knew, he noticed Caitlin waiting outside. He picked me up, and I fainted at the speed, but suddenly we were in some cave thing. I hear Caitlin's voice, and she told me she saw someone speed by her, and she ran up the stairs but I wasn't there. She called Cisco, but no reply. She hailed a cab, tracked me to the lab-did you know they planted me with a tracking device?"

"What-no," Felicity answered, she wasn't surprised though. Caitlin liked to keep track of everyone who knew Barry or the Flash.

"She got there, saw that Cisco had been knocked unconscious on his way out of the labs she guessed, and followed my trail until it died out at some hidden wall, she said. Dr. Wells said we were in the way, we were ending things for the Flash before they'd begun. Finally, Barry got there. Wells picked me back up, Barry came at him, and we left."

"You left?"

Iris nodded, tears brimming again. "I was confused. Still confused. It was a dark, cold road. Raining. Barry looked as disoriented as me. I pulled him to the side of the road, yelled where are we...Anyway, it took us a bit to find our way off the road, find a roof. We wandered around until we saw a sign, said we were entering Central City. My phone was wet and useless. Barry tried bringing us back to the lab, but every time we rushed into the city, there was like this barrier. Wherever we tried to go through, we ended back on that long cold road. He said the moon kept going back to the same position, the same cars kept passing by. It felt like forever, but he did some sort of equation, picked me up, ran us at a time he mapped out at an angle or something... and we were back."

Felicity gaped at her. She and Barry had been stuck in some time loop. It must have thrown Barry's abilities. She was surprised they'd made it back.

"And Dr. Wells?"

"We didn't see him."

/

Later, nine hours after Iris' and Barry's return, after Barry finally awoke, he would tell his team that based on a missing road sign, they must have traveled back at least seven years. That Dr. Wells had probably attempted to take them somewhere and sometime specific but Barry had grabbed Iris from his clutch and pushed him enough to throw off his trajectory. Dr. Wells was probably stuck in some time loop himself, but nothing was certain.

Dr. Wells and the Reverse Flash wouldn't be heard of again for some time.

;;

_December 2015_

Ambition, she learned, was the sin of the year. Ambition led her to Central City, ambition drove Dr. Wells to insane lengths, ambition consumed Ray. By the end of the year, Felicity was glad to have been away from the rise and fall of a man she could have loved. There were sympathies offered, but she had no need for them. She decided, her ambition had been of the good kind, and she was not at fault for the way it drew out the evils of men.

Oliver didn't boast or pluck at wounds when he and his team rounded out the damage, and he gave Ray a proper burial, wishing he'd been able to save him. This could have been Oliver's ambition, could have been him if he hadn't taken a step back to look at the scope of his actions. But Oliver was better than he gave himself credit for, and Felicity knew it never could have been him, dead maybe another way, but not this way.

But that was another team, now. She was part of another. The year was closing down, and she was determined to move ahead, not trace back regrets.

;;;

_01 January 2016_

Felicity rang in the New Year with her new team. Barry gave her a chaste kiss on the cheek. Iris hugged her father, faced away from Barry. Barry purposely kept his eyes on the streamers falling down on them. Cisco swirled Caitlin and they laughed.

Felicity caught Barry's gaze and caught his hand. This could be easy. They were celebrating in Joe's home, despite the fact that Barry and Iris could never speak more than a few terse words. (He was angry, she was angry, Joe tried his best to keep them, his family, at a sort of middle.)

Barry kept an easy eye on her, and she saw him gulp. He was already feeling guilty over something he didn't have.

Her phone beeped, a text message for once. She looked at the lit up screen, her hand slipped from Barry's, she smiled.

_**Oliver:**_ _Happy new year._

She was quick to reply, _Happy New Year! :D_

;;

_March 2016_

They had closed STAR Labs for a couple of months following the incident, but Caitlin had been antsy about going back to her proper work. They had been working out of Barry's place and it was horrible. Sometimes there would be a makeshift office at Iris' old job, other times it was Felicity's living room. It never worked well.

Until one day Caitlin threw up her papers, yelled out, "My family has money! I've had access to my trust fund for nearly four years!"

Felicity, Barry, and Cisco stared up at her. They didn't know where this was going.

"I'll just," and she pointed a finger at Felicity, "I'll set up the funds under a private research sector that you're going to invent right now, have it buy out STAR Labs and Cisco will be the sole benefactor and my name will disappear from any documents so my family doesn't get any satisfaction from knowing I buckled."

She turned on her heel then suddenly turned back. "Felicity, you'll be our director. You basically threw out the last one."

"I wouldn't call him a director," Felicity mumbled.

Caitlin humphed and Felicity drew into her seat. Caitlin threw up her hands and made her way to the door.

(When it was settled, Caitlin only made one rule-no one mention where the funds came from. Felicity made another rule that if she was going to be in charge of the research facility, they keep the name STAR Labs. She was a sucker for sentimentality.)

By mid Spring, Felicity was chasing after numbers, chastising Cisco everyday for every new insane idea of a weapon he had, and sending Barry a million messages about keeping a lower profile. Not once in her life did she grow up thinking she'd be both an accountant and a babysitter to ridiculously smart scientists and (practically) raising a superhero.

;;

_April 2016_

[14:18] Q: Hey.

[14:29] S: Well hello stranger.

Q: Sorry, I've been busy.

[14:30] S: No worries. Glad to hear from you outside of work.

S: This is outside of work, right? Do not tell me you have me in a private conversation to discuss a case.

[14:31] Q: I wouldn't dare.

S: Good. So how it goes? Is Roy still dating that crazy bike chick?

[14:32] Q: Just because she likes to go on the road with her motorcycle doesn't make her crazy.

S: Hey, he's crazy too. Always breaking up, making up in the same week.

Q: Point taken. And yes. Anyway, how's your team doing?

S: My team. Ah. Hold on, I like the sound of that. MY TEAM.

[14:33] Q: You should be proud. I know I am.

[14:34] S: Of course I'm proud, how many MIT grads are in charge of their very own vigilantes? Living the dream, I tell you.

Q: I knew being the director of STAR Labs was going to go to your head. Felicity Smoak has an ego.

[14:35] S: Learned from the best. ;)

[14:36] Q: Chloe is going off on the comms about something, gotta go. I'll keep in touch.

S: Saving that promise. Be safe.

;;

_June 2016_

"I always found this time of year so weird, middles are so odd," Iris mused.

They sat at her dining table, in the home she shared with her father.

"Me too," Felicity agreed. Sometimes, Felicity just studied her best friend. She was a beautiful and pensive girl who weighed a thousand thoughts at once. A lot more since that past December. She and Barry had finally bypassed angry, but now stood on awkward ends where they had said sorry but neither could really grasp what had passed. Barry had once said most of it to Iris, told her the way he felt, how long he'd felt it. That had been a fixing of her reality already. Then there was the other truth, the one he hadn't said and she had found out for herself. Another jilt to her world. And Barry felt a lack of loyalty on her end. She had forsaken the Flash some time ago, and when she wrote articles about him, it was always fact, not perspective-it hurt his ego but he knew it was her job. Then those days when he had to reassess his beginnings as the Flash, even his childhood, she wasn't there those days. She holed herself away for six months in Metropolis at a newspaper internship. They missed each other but they didn't know how to be near each without static filling up space.

"I just want to thank you again for leaving me here for six months. It's been so great not having someone to talk to around."

"You had Caitlin and Cisco and my dad," Iris ticked off on her fingers.

"Joe is great. He has given me better advice and food than any other man in my life, bar none, seriously, I might adopt him."

"Hands off," Iris threatened.

Felicity threw her hands up in defeat. "Caitlin and I did do some bonding. Some. I love her. She's just very work oriented."

"Which must be great given your boss status."

"I am no boss," Felicity amended, "but it is great. Just not much fun to do with it when work is over for me."

Iris nodded, and flipped open the laptop she had sitting in front of her.

Felicity gasped. "Are you working?"

"I do have a deadline for a brand new job. Can't be slacking off." Iris cracked her fingers, but when her hands landed on the keyboard, she sat back.

"How do you do it Felicity?" Iris said so low Felicity almost didn't hear her.

"Do what?"

Iris turned to her. She had her arms crossed over her chest, her eyes soft but pointed at her.

"Stay away from the best guy you've ever known?"

It was a question everyone, she knew, avoided asking her. Maybe not in that specific way, but she knew people wondered why and how she kept away from someone she had wanted. But everyone had been good and no one had brought it up, except Iris right then. Felicity knew though that this one time someone finally asked her, it had little to do with her.

Felicity tucked in a smile and looked down at the table.

"I focus on the things that do me good, like ice cream, going undercover as a high society brat when the mission calls for it, working a 24 hour seven day a week job with maximum payoff but no sleep, having the best friend a girl could ask for."

Iris and Felicity laughed.

"And occasionally dating a senator?"

"That was once!" Felicity defended herself, "And he was only morally ambiguous in the end."

Iris laughed again.

.

_September 2016_

It had been over a year since she had been in Starling. Her eyes stung and she blinked furiously. Thankfully Barry didn't notice.

"Yeah, we're taking the train back," Felicity griped at Barry once she was composed. He'd convinced her to run them over, and she had agreed. That was her fault.

"If you insist," he said. He zipped past her and back to bring the luggage they'd packed. They stood right outside the Verdant, the day bright for the fall, but the streets empty so they needn't worry too much about being seen.

Felicity grabbed her packed bag and let herself into the building, Barry behind her

They were there for three days, as backup to Laurel who was in charge while Roy and Oliver were out of the city, chasing after someone, and they had taken Chloe with them. Diggle had stayed behind as the backup Arrow, and no one had asked Barry to come by and keep watch but toddler Sara was having a bout of sickness so Diggle was rightfully distracted, and besides, Central City was having a nice month of tranquility. And if anything happened, Barry could easily be there in a...really, you know already.

Felicity took to her old station, but there were a lot of new programs and procedures to follow.

("It's fine, it's fine. I got this. The old system was A+, but this is fine," she muttered to herself. The new system was more than fine, she recognized, she was just a little territorial.)

Laurel handled each night beautifully, and she called in backup right away when she needed it as opposed to last minute. And she didn't blow up when things didn't go exactly to plan-she grumbled, sure, but she would do this breathing exercise thing and then smile. She should be teaching Oliver at this point. Barry was only called in a couple of times, and Felicity was more on standby, and Felicity knew this wasn't her team anymore.

She had let them go and they had survived.

On the last night, Laurel turned in a chair several times, the way kids do, spinning. She whistled over at Felicity, who perked up and rolled herself over to Laurel.

"Look at Diggle," she giggled, pointed at the screen that caught Diggle in the Arrow outfit running past a security camera.

"I vote we replace Oliver for a year or so, let Diggle have his moments of glory, finally send Oliver to a spa," Felicity said.

"I am with you," Laurel smiled.

"Sometimes he's better you know," Laurel said. "I'll catch him laughing or smiling. I think he's getting better at it."

"Yeah, I think it's just very gradual. Every year he's a little nicer to himself."

Laurel tilted her head at Felicity. "That's an interesting way of putting it."

Laurel was, Felicity determined, at heart always an investigator, heart of a cop underneath it all. The good kind, still intimidating though.

"I think he tried to strip himself of the good things in his life in the name of the way he was, the way his family way. Like some ill treatment when he deserves lives just as much as we do."

"I get it, though," Laurel said, "All the shit that happens around here, the things we've screwed up. We gotta pay, and I'm sure someday we won't owe so much, but how do we know when those days are up?"

Laurel breathed heavily. Felicity ran over the situation at hand in her head. Two vigilantes with a similar state of mind working together in the same city that's wrecked them over and over again. Something about that could turn them inside out, maybe even their team.

"Felicity?" Laurel called her back.

"Hmm?" she looked up.

"You don't have to worry so much about us. We were a little shakey when you took off, but Chloe stuck us together real quick. She had no time for transition periods, and I don't know where you found her, but I'm glad you did. Think about it. Where would The Flash and his two people be if you hadn't looked out for them? Maybe they would have figured something out, maybe someone else would have found them and helped them, but instead it was you. And now you have your own little company, and there are meta-humans out there looking for you, for the one person in Central City who has the capacity and means to help them."

Felicity smiled at the woman before her. Here Laurel was marveling at Chloe and at her, Felicity Smoak, but it was Laurel who-despite her hardened ways-was keeping the team on this end at bay.

"Someday I'll get to tell some poor kids with nowhere to run how THE Black Canary gave me a pep talk," Felicity grinned.

"That's it, you're banned from the Foundry!" Laurel proclaimed, emptily.

;;

_September 2016_

[02:02] Q: So you're banned from our little cave?

[02:03] S: Your little cave? What have you done to the real Q?

Q: I may have taken something.

S: Well it's 2am, so I am not surprised. And it was several somethings, no lying allowed here.

[02:04] S: Public?!

Q: Wrong button.

Sno: I am enjoying this very much already.

DIG: So glad Sara woke me up just now.

[02:05] Sno: Dig! How are you.

DIG: Good! You?

S: This is my goodnight song.

[02:06] C: Come on, this is just getting started! We never get the man himself on these chats.

Q: Is that me? I am the man?

F: Thanks for the invite everyone, really.

S: There was no invite. But that is okay I think.

Q: Fel-wait, no names, right?

[02:07] C: Nah, who cares! Who's reading this really, just don't mention, you know…

L: That we're creatures of the night?

C: OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU.

[02:08] F: My love, it's been too long.

L: You are literally right next to me. Felicity, your boys have been drinking.

[02:09] S: Who let them be together this time of the night, really?

R: My bad. Bar and I were hanging, I might have agreed to pay Oliver and Laurel a visit

at the Foundry.

DIG: It's officially over.

Sno: This is my fault.

F: CAITLIN YOU ARE THE BEST YOU MAKE THE BEST ALCOHOL.

[02:10] Q: I might have tried it.

S: How the hell are you functioning.

Sno: WHERE ARE YOU, THAT IS NOT SAFE.

F: It was less than a teaspoon, he's fineeeeeeeeeeee.

L: So far.

C: Will you marry me?

[02:11] F: Already asked.

L: I admire you girls so much, really.

R: He's falling.

S: I'm...crying?

[02:12] Lyl: I was going to kill my husband for waking me up for this, but no, this is superb.

S: LYLA. LYLA. LYLA. Can I send you Barry for a week?

Lyl: My dear Felicity. No. Everyone, go to sleep.

[02:13] Sno: I'm honestly worried for Oliver. Barry, can you run?

Sno: Oh God that sounds ridiculous.

R: He's up..he's down. He wants me to say…

R: ...I've had the time of my life? I don't know what's happening.

[02:14] F: He's singing! Caitlin's here!

L: He always swore he hated that movie, ahahaha

L: I've had the time of my lifeee

Lyl: No, I never felt this way before, yes I swear..babe!

DIG: It's the truth and I owe it all to you

[02:15] C: CAUSE I'VE HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE!

S: And I've searched through every open door.

F: Oh God it's wearing off, are you guys synchronizing this?

Lyl: Til I found the truth!

L: And I owe it all to you!

[02:16] R: Nope. Goodnight everyone.

Lyl: For once, he's right.

DIG: Let's do this again sometime, at a holier hour.

C: BOO. Okay. I'll miss you the most Laurel.

L: Blame the song, I'll miss you too.

C: okay, I'm dead. Bye.

[02:17] S: How is he?

F: Caitlin said he's fine, we just need to put an IV in him to keep him hydrated.

S: Okay. Goodnight.

And that was when she decided to get a second phone, one for business, one personal, so she could at least shut off the personal line at night.

;;

_2016 November_

"Once in awhile, I'll think there's something going on with you and Barry, and I don't mind it."

"Papa Joe, I thought you had bigger dreams for your boy."

"You're a big dream, Felicity. Sure, it would have been quite a dream for Iris to want be with someone as great as Barry, for Barry to come full circle. But dreams change, and you can't force the heart."

"Don't I know it."

Thanksgiving had just ended, and Iris was digging out the Christmas decorations from the garage. Barry was in there with her. Things had finally relaxed a little between them, and they were easy smiles and good-natured family dinners again.

(Barry removed himself to the way things used to be before everything, for the sake of things. And Iris was trying to coax him out of it, earning his trust, encouraging him to let her be a part of his team. He wasn't letting her, so the truce and in between it was.)

"It would be easy, me and him. I know this life all too well at this point, and he's just the sort of guy I never thought was real. You know how on those tv shows they make those ridiculously cute but smart and awkward and totally affected by emotions sort of guys?"

Joe cocked an eye at her. "No."

"Well, what I'm saying is, those guys are like one in five million, and you have that one right under your roof. He stumbled into my city and he found me, but it never happened."

Felicity ran a hand through her hair, like she'd run over the scenarios a million times, and it frustrated her every time.

"Que sera, sera," Joe hummed.

Felicity heard the door burst open, boxes hitting a wall, finally sliding over into the living room.

"I think these boxes multiply each year," Iris huffed. Barry followed behind her, and a box slipped from his hand. He ran to catch it, and set it at Felicity's feet.

"This one's just for you," he grinned. She smirked, ready to fire at him, when her phone rang.

"It's Caitlin," she said, stepping aside to answer. A minute later she was yelling at Barry to head to a robbery in progress.

Iris watched them all the while, and she turned away when Barry left. She felt a sting of envy, like she'd been outcast from her best friend's life, on his outside now.

Felicity stepped back inside, and noted Iris' muteness. "Hey, he'll be back in a minute, it's nothing too crazy."

"Yeah," Iris nodded.

Joe caught Felicity's eye, and said, "That's not why she's upset."

This was a despair Felicity could not walk her friend through, though, because Felicity was still cutting at the trees of that forest.

She whispered to Joe, "It would be too easy to not have consequences." She meant Barry, she meant Iris, she meant herself, and she meant the man she was tempted to call for a sense of comfort.

;;

(The first year and a half were, she was going to find, the easy part.)


	2. as the gold fluttered down from the sky

_01 January 2017_

Felicity recalled her falling very well. It was a buzz that stayed on her outer ears, sometimes pressing into the back of her neck, unbalancing her. But she kept steady and well until one day, it overwhelmed her, and felt better than she had her entire life. She was in love in a way she hadn't known was possible. It was not just fire, it was a soft press in her veins, a patience that told her it was going to stay whether she wanted it or not, so why fight. So she let it stay, let it shape the warmth of her heart, and it was never too much until he didn't not say it back. Then it was too much and she cried but it didn't pour out of her like the other times.

To get over it, she used to cry, drown herself in sorrows, busy her mind with other things, say "fuck him". Little things that were ineffective this go around. But sometimes the tears rose, once in awhile.

So when Iris cried over Barry not the first time, but the second time, at the dead end of December, Felicity knew what it meant. She knew all of this like the back of her hand, and she itched to talk to him.

Felicity drew out her personal phone at the jet start of January, and opened the program she had made to contact primarily him.

[24:02] S: Think we'll have a good year?

Q: It's already off to the best start.

S: Yeah?

[24:04] Q: Thea's fast asleep on my shoulder, the night is quiet, and I have your attention.

S: Sure about that?

Q: That's three questions.

S: Look who can count. Seriously, have a great year.

Oliver stared down at his phone, and he took a swig of his beer. Every year a little dimmer without her.

[24:05] Q: I'll do my best. You have my best wishes, too.

Felicity felt her heart unfurl. Iris lay on the floor in front of the fireplace, earphones firmly over her ears, singing the words aloud softly. Five minutes ago she was washing her face of tears in the restroom at the corner, Barry unaware as he played the Game of Life with the gang and his plus one of three weeks (he was going to break it off already, he'd said to Felicity, Iris, and Joe, the day before, but he'd already invited her to New Year's). She always knew how she wanted to end their conversations to end, but she always let it go, saying 'goodnight' or 'later' instead of 'love you'.

[24:05] F: :)

Oliver cast his phone aside. He didn't need any other wishes for the year.

;;

_February 2017_

"I'm going to last longer than a month in a relationship one of these days," Barry vowed.

"No you're not," Cisco shot at him.

Barry didn't fight it. "No I'm not."

"Even I have you beat, Barry."

"Yes, four months. Let's beat that," Caitlin said, a bite in her voice.

(Caitlin had tried to save her life a good three times now, and she was beat down. The last time was it for her, and she had finally laid her Ronnie to rest. Still she was trying to let go.)

"If it's meant to be, it'll be, if not, it's okay. We don't need to set a record."

Everyone turned to Cisco, surprised. He shrugged. Caitlin didn't know why, but the statement put her at ease. Just the time she'd had with the person she loved was its own monument.

It ate at Barry, it bit down on Felicity.

;;

_April 2017_

Dr. Wells returned. He was, as he put it, in some hellish hole of time that he couldn't outrun until then. But he was going to make up for lost time.

But Barry was smarter, stronger than before. And when all the truths came to light, that Wells had orchestrated his mother's murder to make sure the Flash came to life, Barry chased him back to that horrible night. He couldn't stop him, not in the past, worst, Barry watched it play it out clearly. But when he made it back to his home of the present, he kept at a calm. He caught the Reverse Flash, he stripped him of his powers using a machine Caitlin and Cisco had been working on for almost two years, and he took him to Joe.

"It's over," said Joe, cuffing Dr. Wells.

"Almost," Barry said, thinking of his father.

Felicity felt herself literally beam. Her team had accomplished this, all without tearing themselves inside out. She made a mental note not to question their capabilities ever again. And, she thought, someday they could do this all without her. Someday, anyway.

;;

_June 2017_

[07:42] Q: I had a dream about Tommy last night.

S: Me too.

Q: That shouldn't make me laugh.

[07:43] S: But it did and I knew it would.

S: So what are you feeling guilty about this time?

[07:44] Q: That's my guilty tell, huh? Dream about Tommy.

S: We all have our tells. Want to talk about it.

Q: I'm calling you.

Felicity waited a moment, and then her phone rang. She answered, but didn't say anything.

"Felicity?" He always spoke her voice in a low growl, sounding like he was just waiting to capture it.

"I'm here," though she wasn't so sure it was at a complete capacity. She closed her eyes, just wanting to hear him. _'Tell me about the dream, describe everything, I am fine with hearing your voice go on and on.'_

"Good. Anyway, I, wanted to tell you. Guess this was the best way I could find."

"Hm?" she nodded to herself.

"It's not a new dream. We're standing in Verdant, he's handing me a slip, he's quitting...you've heard it before."

"I don't mind," and she meant it.

"I know," and she thought she could hear him smile. A beat. "I'm with Laurel."

Felicity felt her heart jump up then thud. "Oh." She hit her head. "I mean, okay. Well you shouldn't feel guilty. He's not here, and she's not some property, she decides who she wants, and you should be with someone you want, and Oliver, you, you deserve happiness."

It came out in a flurry and she wasn't surprised at the silence that passed.

"Thanks, Felicity. And it's really, she's here and I'm here, I guess why wouldn't it make sense."

At his reasoning she had to bite down at her tongue. It sounded like he'd given in to an inevitable, and what if he had? Maybe Laurel and Oliver had all the while, just been waiting to happen again.

"Remember what I wanted for you for this year?" Felicity said.

"To have a great year."

"Whatever contributes to that Oliver, I want it for you."

;;

_July 2017_

[20:11] R: I keep thinking, you're going to make it back one of these days. We'll get to keep you and Chloe, Oliver will stop mulling around, Diggle will be just a little funner again. Though he's lost weight since you stopped bringing around all that junk food.

[21:01] R: I know you're reading this.

[21:05] S: I haven't spoken to Oliver in a while. Why does it bother me so much? I feel ridiculous.

R: I know the feeling.

[21:07] S: Anyway. Nothing will ever stop him from mulling around.

[21:07] R: He's been worse lately. It's easy for them, this pattern, hard on us.

[21:08] S: Don't say that. He loved her, he really did.

R: That was another life. It's habit now.

[21:09] S: I always say, we have to stop having these morbid conversations. They're always my low point.

R: And they're mine, too. We need them, though. Message me if you need me.

S: Always.

(Roy had become the sibling she never had, the private little confidante that knew her petty fears and secrets and fears, and vice versa. They kept each other sane with these conversations.)

;;

_August 2017_

There was an accident that early summer, worse than the ones before because this one, this one tore their team apart.

They went for Caitlin, who was bleeding out, sure to be dead soon if Felicity didn't get her to the hospital soon. Instead, the meta-human she thought had been detained, lunged out, shooting one final blast of heat at them. Her aim was bad that point, and it would have been fine if the steel behind Caitlin hadn't been a thermafrost chamber. The heat distilled the out-pour of previously contained chemical, and Barry ran to grab them, but only had time for Felicity.

Caitlin didn't die. And it was fine at first, though she didn't like being a meta-human, but she simply resolved herself not to use her new abilities. But the powers latched onto her, even turned her skin to frost. Turned her heart cold, literally and figuratively.

Felicity did what had to be done, not what she wanted though. She called in reinforcements. Barry couldn't do the necessary on this one.

Laurel stood staunchly in the lab, Oliver sitting in a chair near her, Roy petting the computers, Diggle nodding at every word Felicity spoke. Cisco would intermittently say something, getting choked up every time.

"We want her back alive," Cisco said as his last words, "We can fix her."

Felicity licked her lips, sadder, she had to admit, for Cisco than anyone else.

"Roy, Barry is waiting for you by 64th st, that seems to be her favorite place to obtain heat from."

He nodded, taking off.

"Laurel and Oliver, please try to bring her back. She's one of us." She bit her lip, and Oliver jumped from his seat. He stood in front of her, not knowing what to say. She stared at him. "I'll be fine. There's people to keep safe."

Oliver cupped her cheek, then placed a soft kiss on it. "I swear, I'll bring her back to you."

(Once out of earshot, Laurel would remind him not to make promises, and he would ignore it.)

But they brought her back, nearly lifeless, but she made it. Barry lay her in a cell that Caitlin had designed herself and Cisco had seen through. She had anticipated the powers taking over her.

Felicity sat, cross-legged, in front of the cell all night, Caitlin pounding at it with her powers, until she shrouded herself in a corner, tired for the night. All the while Felicity's old team and current team just outside. Eventually, she felt herself getting picked up by an old familiar pair of arms.

"Thank you," she whispered, cushioning her head in the nook of the man's arms, taking in the smell as well.

She fell asleep and the next morning, she was in Barry's apartment, taking up his bed. No one else was there, and she wasted no time in running back to STAR Labs.

Barry and Cisco were still there.

"I had Oliver take you back to my place, no idea where your keys were," Barry said as a hello.

Felicity glanced at her office. "Maybe in my purse that's in my office."

"Not a detective," he used as a defense. She needed that small laugh.

"Everyone leave already?"

"Yeah, they left just a few hours ago. Caitlin seemed to have stabilized. She wakes up every now and then, but mostly she's dormant."

"She's in hibernation," Cisco offered, his face away from theirs, focused on the security camera that displayed their comrade, "Probably for like ever."

;;

_2017 September_

Diggle fell on her couch, defeated. "Finally asleep."

"Remind me not to have kids," Felicity laughed.

"Shh, Lyla's sleeping too."

"Sorry," Felicity said, shushed.

She put down a plate of warm cookies and a glass of milk in front of Diggle.

"Toddler and wife, and you intend to kill me with your food, woman," Diggle groaned. Nonetheless, he sat up, and shoved two cookies in his mouth at once.

She raised an eyebrow at him but he paid her no mind.

"This is why I should come by here more often," he said, his mouth still full of cookies.

"My evil plan is working," she cackled and he motioned for silence again.

Diggle slowed down, and finished his milk in two gulps. He cleared his throat and leaned back on the couch.

"Lyla was telling me that anytime we come by with you, it's exactly like home. You know how to put people together."

"That's just her affection for my foam mattress speaking."

"Maybe. But it's still true. Yet you can't get yourself together with the person you belong with."

Every time.

Felicity turned her back to him, offering more cookies.

"Yes. And I haven't given up on you and Oliver, yet."

Felicity cracked her neck, picked up the new plate of cookies, sat them down, then sat down right next to him.

"He went back to his Laurel. I'm dating a sweet high school history teacher. Oliver and I went on one date what, three years ago? It's done."

"I know that you guys message each other, all the time. And if you guys don't talk for at least a week, it's obvious. He steps harder, swings more messy. Clearly years don't erase things."

"Can we talk about something else?"

Diggle had pushed enough for this visit. He nodded, and finished off another plate of her cookies.

;;

_October 2017_

[07:15] Q: Happy birthday.

[07:18] F: Thanks!

Q: Big plans?

F: Marco is taking me to some picnic restaurant thing. Wasn't really listening.

F: I'm horrible, wow.

[07:19] Q: You're not.

F: Okay.

Q: Hold on.

[07:20] F: Oliver. BRB. Means be right back. I swear, you were here when acronyms really started happening, how do you not know

F: BRB. Knock at the door.

Felicity lifted her laptop from her lap, and jumped off her couch to open the door. She was still in her pajamas and snug sweater, her hair pooled around her shoulders.

She looked in the keyhole, always weary of who was visiting her. And there was very well-dressed Oliver Queen with a bouquet of flowers in his hand.

"Of course," she muttered under her breath, pulling her sweater down and putting up her hair. She swung the door open and though she tried containing her smile, she couldn't help it, she beamed at her.

He blinked a few times before saying, "Happy birthday!"

Felicity opened her mouth, but somehow words failed her. So she went for a big hug instead, though it lasted for only a brief moment.

"Oliver!" she yelled back as they pulled away from each other.

He smiled down at her, a sort of delirious smile that was making her sides hurt.

"These are for you," he said, extending the flowers.

"Thank you," she said, receiving them, then waved at the door, "come in."

She stood to the side, Oliver walking past her. She took a deep breath and followed him, the door closing behind her.

"Sorry, I'm a mess, haven't been up long. I'm surprised I'm up at all."

She made a trail to her kitchen, picking at the stems of the flowers. When she reached her kitchen, she set them in her sink gently and began looking for a vase.

She heard Oliver stepping in the kitchen with her, and the faucet turn on. She looked over and he was cutting the stems and rinsing the flowers. She stumbled a bit at the sight and almost dropped the clear vase she had found. He looked over, shutting off the faucet.

"You okay?"

"Yep," she squealed, and walked precariously over to him. She set the vase beside the sink, and Oliver set the flowers inside.

"Perfect," she said, glancing up at him.

He smiled at her. "So, I wanted to take you out for breakfast. Hopefully before your people decide to spring some surprise on you and I can't treat you to something today."

"Especially since this is the first birthday you've shown up to since my move."

She meant it as a light joke, but it seemed to have an adverse effect on him. His smile faltered and he held onto the counter with a grip.

"I didn't mean," Felicity began, "just, it's nice to have you here today."

"A lot of this is still hard for me, Felicity," he said suddenly.

"Oh," she breathed.

"I'm sorry," he offered, "I'm glad you're doing so well over here. I'm trying to keep up and I promise, I'm happy for you. So, breakfast?" He mustered another smile. She said yes.

So she changed into a deep purple dress, shrugged on a washed out, long grey cardigan, even left her hair down. She contemplated contacts but laughed that off, slipped on her black riding boots, all dressed for a fall birthday breakfast. Felicity, expecting a dozen birthday calls and texts, decided to put both her phones on silent.

They walked to a bakery down the street from her house, because Felicity wanted a cake slice and milk for her first meal, and Oliver wanted to dissuade her very much from this, but it was her day.

They sat on the brick encasing the grass outside the bakery, Felicity snuggled into her sweater, holding her pastry ridiculously close to her chest. Oliver had opted for a simple doughnut and a glass of water. He watched her with a smirk as she whispered to her...food, "Bet you didn't think this is where it'd end."

She took a nibble of a bite, and closed her eyes. "So good." Then she took a large bite and moaned.

Oliver tried to stifle a laugh, but he was never good at that. Felicity's eyes shot to him.

"You're just jealous," she sniped, her mouth still half full.

He glanced at the frosting on her upper lip, glanced to his own doughnut. "I'm good, I have this."

Felicity licked her lip after noticing Oliver's gaze, and she took a sip of her milk. She was sure not to moan with her next bite.

They finished their 'food' quietly, and when they were done, Felicity propped her hands on the bricks and leaned back. From her purse, she saw her personal phone light up, but ignored it despite the name that popped up.

"Thank you," Felicity sighed out.

Oliver glanced over at her. "My pleasure. When you take me out for my birthday though, I want a proper meal."

Felicity shot him a glare. "You will be grateful for whatever I decide to feed you."

"Fair enough," he laughed.

She sat up properly and clapped the dirt off her hands.

"Now it's mimosa time," she declared, jumping up, "and everything we need is back at my apartment, come on."

He grumbled but Felicity paid it no mind.

They walked back, making small talk, things about the craziest stuff to happen to their respective cities yet. Easy stuff, because vigilante stuff was easier than everything else, crazy as it was.

When they arrived, Oliver shook off his blazer, and Felicity rambled about him showing up all dressed up at her apartment at seven in the morning.

"I didn't think Patti's Bakery would be your first choice," he defended himself.

"It's Central City's first choice! Why do you think the line was a 45 minute wait, and that was the line dying down."

Oliver joined her in the kitchen as she laid out two glasses, champagne, and orange juice.

"I'm not in the mood, but you can go ahead."

She rolled her eyes and faced him. "Just one, each. It's tradition. Well it's usually one bottle of champagne each, but we can fudge that."

He raised an eyebrow at her and crossed his arms. "Really?"

"Yes. Iris and I-" her eyes grew large. She had not turned her phone back on, and Iris would be upset about this tradition occurring without her. In fact, she would probably be at her door with her own bottle of champagne in hand any minute.

"Crap," she muttered, and jumped for her phone.

"What's wrong?"

"No, it's Iris, she's probably-"

The doorbell rang. Felicity would be in for a scolding. She jogged to the door and swung it open, knowing it was Iris.

"You're alive!" Iris said, clicking her tongue.

"Oliver's here!" she overlapped.

"Yeah, Oliver Queen is in your apartment on this early Tuesday morning…" she trailed off when she saw Oliver waving at her.

"And he is in a very fitting dress shirt and slacks, jacket on the couch," she finished, grinning at him, "and the champagne is out already."

Iris drew her champagne bottle back to her chest.

"Morning Oliver!"

"Morning, Iris. How are you?"

"Great. And going." She winked at Felicity. "I'll be back with this when you're done with that. And happy birthday."

"Iris," Felicity reached to grab her, but she was quick and gone in seconds. She must have been learning from Barry.

Felicity closed the door, and decided to pretend it didn't happen. She walked back to the kitchen and ignored Oliver's amused smile.

He had, in the meantime, prepared the two glasses, and stretched one out to her.

"To a great birthday," he proposed.

"Here, here." She clinked her glass against his, and both finished theirs in one swallow.

She set her glass down, and stared up at him. Without heels, she felt infinitely smaller than him. This was where she was supposed to bid him farewell, maybe hug him once more, let him go back to his city. But she felt herself fall into a slope of time. The last time she had allowed herself to look up at him like this was that terrible moment years ago, when he was leaving to meet the leader of the League of Shadows.

(He had finally said it. She hadn't said it in return. He went missing for weeks. She believed he'd be back even when she was told he was dead. He returned. He returned, as he put it, a killer. What he said lay in a puddle of the ways he thought he could be but thought he'd falter. He started all over again, and he wouldn't let her walk the path with him, or maybe she just should have said it back.)

Oliver put a hand to her cheek and stepped forward after she'd stared at him a beat too long. This kitchen felt like a small safe space, the entire morning had felt like a real life, his blood running a proper course. He closed her into his arms, her arms fell around his waist, and he heard her take a deep intake of breath. If she had stayed, if he had not given false starts twice over, they would be in a different kitchen, theirs.

It was like this for what must have been a few minutes at least. Then they fell away from each other.

"I should go home," he whispered, blinking at the floor beneath them.

Felicity grabbed his hands, overwhelming in her small ones. She was tempted to go with him.

He looked fast at her, his breath caught in his throat. He wanted to stay.

"Have a safe trip," is what she managed.

She'd been gone for over two years, he had loved her for over three. Once upon a time, he loved another girl for over five years, but that felt like holding onto something. He was not surprised when it slipped from his fingers. This felt like, all the time, like it had anchored itself into him. No prying could yank it.

He nodded, kissed her quick on the cheek, and left. He forgot his jacket.

(She'd keep it in the back of her closet, hanging, pulling at its sleeve every time she thought of him out there, risking his life.)

;;

_December 2017_

Caitlin was progressing, consulting on cases even. Her temper had evened, more or less. The shaking glass and blizzard tantrums finally uncommon. She kept at her apologies, Barry and Cisco eager to forgive her but scared to lose her all over again.

Felicity strung a row of Christmas lights outside Caitlin's window, humming the Christmas music.

"I know you don't celebrate Christmas," Caitlin said.

"You do," she shrugged.

Caitlin smiled softly at her.

"I'm afraid of the day you'll leave us."

With an oversized plastic candy cane in her hand, Felicity cocked her eye at the scientist she still very much admired.

"I am not leaving you." She even threw in a chuckle.

"We're a stop along the way, Felicity Smoak, we've always known it. It's made us extra grateful."

Felicity shook her head at her. "I wouldn't know what to do without any of you."

Caitlin smiled. "If you say so, boss."

;;

_mid December 2017_

Laurel slid a blade from her sleeve and cut at the rope binding Felicity's hands behind her back, and pulled the cloth from her mouth.

Felicity coughed and reached to feel Cisco's pulse. "He's still breathing," she said, her voice strained. Laurel pulled him up, threw his arm over her shoulder, and pulled him onto her motorcycle. "Meet me at the lab," she barked, and Felicity nodded.

She ran outside to the nearest streetlight and waved down a cab, made her way to her facility. She kept rubbing her wrists, staring at the abrasions of the rope. If Oliver or Roy had been called in, they would be screaming at her, screaming at Cisco for not calling them as soon as Felicity had been taken by the gang of metahumans who realized the the director of STAR Labs knew the Flash's identity. It was why Barry had called in Laurel instead. Felicity was glad.

At the lab, Laurel had already started tending to Cisco, Caitlin giving her instructions over a headset. Barry still was gone.

Felicity began assisting her, barely speaking a word as Caitlin calmly told them how to help him.

Then they waited. Waited for Cisco to come to, for Barry to return. He'd gone after them, all of them. She'd no idea how many he was intent on catching that night, but as the night wore on, she figured he was on a one man mission. She knew all about those, knew they were deadly because it took a lot of anger and lack of reason to embark on them.

She focused on breathing and the quiet of the machine reading Cisco's heartbeats. Laurel kept touching his face, feeling his breath. Caitlin had assured them he was just recovering, he would be just fine, but Laurel kept a steady eye on him. When she heard him snore, she gave half a grin, and sat by Felicity.

"I'm going to track him. He's been gone too long."

Felicity didn't look at her, just nodded solemnly.

"This isn't your fault," she assured her.

"Just feels like it," Felicity whispered.

Laurel let out a sigh. "I won't tell your boys about this. They might kill me or Barry."

"My boys," Felicity muttered and began biting her nails.

"Always been yours."

Laurel stood up and shook her hair out. She prepared to leave, even taking several steps from her, but she turned back, going to stand in front of Felicity. She towered over her, her dyed blonde hair falling to the sides of her face.

"I figured it out. He never told me he talked to you so much, but when I noticed he did, I saw the pattern. When he talked to you, he smiled more that day. When he didn't, it was what I thought was his normal amount of smiling. And when it was days that you didn't message, text, or call each other, he seemed heavier. When we were together at the start, when he didn't touch basis with you, when he tried so hard to focus on me, he was someone else, on purpose. It felt so forced sometimes. But it wasn't that, that didn't make it click. It was when we came here to help you with Caitlin, and he made you a promise. We don't make promises in this line of work, Felicity. But for you he did. I broke it off not so long after that. I was finally smart about him. I wasn't the least bit shocked when he came to see you for your birthday. A little of part me hoped, even, this is their final start."

Felicity's eyes darkened. Laurel's words felt like a swing of intended guilt. (And it dawned on Felicity that Oliver had been broken up with Laurel when he stopped on her birthday. He didn't say a thing.)

Her voice hoarse, Felicity said, "Why? Why tell me this today, at all?"

"Because I'm guessing, up until right now, you've felt everything but angry at him. Be angry, Felicity, at him and yourself. How long have you taken potential happiness from each other?"

She didn't allow another word, left Felicity to soak the advice up. She was right.

(The following day, when Laurel arrived back in Starling, she'd tell Oliver something very similar. He stalked off, insisting she was wrong, knowing she'd seen right through him for the first time. And he came up with the perfectly wrong solution - break off contact with Felicity, give her a life without him.)

_January 2018_

Barry fell on her lap, humming a song she couldn't place.

She had been putting together a new row of equipment in the newly constructed room of STAR Labs when Barry decided to help and nearly finished in under a minute. She sat, having given up on berating him for using his powers too often long ago. Opting for a break, he'd joined her, sighing.

"Comfortable?" she asked.

"Perfectly," he answered, then added, "and hungry. What's for lunch?"

Felicity smacked his head and pushed him up.

"It is not my job to make your lunch."

"Fine."

He took off and returned with several burgers and fries.

"Aw yes, the greatest reason your powers exist," she smiled happily at her solitary burger.

"I agree," and he was already munching down on his third burger. She had to actively not look at him whenever he ate. Not a pretty sight.

They finished at about the same time, and Felicity got up to continue the work, and told him to get back to it as well.

"All we ever do is work," Barry said, but he didn't whine. It was more of a statement, a sad little fact.

"It's good work. Some people never get that."

"I want more."

Felicity stopped moving things around, turned to him. She realized he was readying his flag. She had been waiting for this since the beginning. They were both so young when they'd lent their lives to 'the greater good'. She had been sustaining him, Cisco, sometimes Caitlin, and herself since she took the lead. Promising them great payoffs and a balanced life, eventually. Here was the hard truth.

The people she'd made her home with, she'd left, so she could find a meaningful work experience that could hold her attention 100% as opposed to the less than 100 she'd been giving. Cisco had lived his young adult years at a laboratory, celebrating unusual milestones in a life he had to make up himself because he'd never had another. Caitlin had tied her future to this small company, her other option extinguished. Barry had chased himself to this end. He'd even chased Iris out.

"Then stop spending all your time with me, stop investigating ten cases a day, trust someone else to take on a few more duties. And trust your family. They have far better intentions for your life than anyone else in the world. Lead this team the way they deserve to be led."

Barry studied her.

"That sounds like taking charge."

She couldn't be his team captain anymore. He had to be it for them, and he'd do the best job under the best circumstances.

"This team is yours, Barry. You're the Flash. You're the one on the news, the person kids dress up as on Halloween, the person Cisco pins all his inventions and hopes on. You're going to have to own it someday, and recognize that you've earned more than a secret identity."

"Is this a Dear John letter? Alright, where's the 'I quit' speech?" he joked.

She ignored it. "Let's make a deal."

He put his hands on his hips and rocked on the balls of his feet, posing like she wasn't completely serious.

"You do something completely, grossly selfish, and so do I. The first person to do it either decides to take up the mantle of head of Team The Flash or passes it on to the other person."

"Shouldn't Cisco be a part of this deal to make it even?" Barry countered.

Over the speaker system, there was a crackle, then Cisco's voice. "Hell no. I want Felicity to win so we can finally get the Flash we need, the Flash we deserve," he said in a deep, mocking voice.

"This feels like a trick," Barry argued after Cisco finished.

"So you know you're going to lose?" Felicity dared him.

He ran to stand in front of her.

"Fine."

They shook hands.

(It was her plan to be brave that very day, to call Oliver. Begin with a belated happy new year, a good wish neither had offered the other the first of that January. It had been nearly a month since they'd heard or seen each other. She kept hearing Laurel, kept feeling a boil in her blood. Anytime she went to message him, she thought she could break her phone.

Her rage kept her bravery in check and she didn't call him that day or the day after.)

;;

_early February 2018_

Iris sent her a letter.

"You have quite a way with Barry, I'll give you that. I didn't tell you this, but I said it, finally. I couldn't even say it about him to you, it was just implied. But I told him, not this past New Year, but the one before it. My phone ran out of battery, I left my earphones in though. I turned over and you were asleep on the couch, phone in your hand. I sat up, to stoke the fire. There was a noise at the door, and I looked up. Barry made his way in, looked over and waved at me. Mouthed that he forgot something. I saw you laying on his scarf and pulled it from you, knowing you wouldn't wake. I waved it at him, and he put on this fake smile that made me sick.

How many weeks now? I'd fallen for my best friend just as he'd gotten sick from my lack of trust of him. There we were, so screwed up over each other. This gross combination of missing him, adoring his real smile and his fake one even if it made me sad, knowing he loved me, him sure that it was a one thing way, disappointed at the things I didn't do for him. I was angry so long, all I could do was shout at him sometimes. I took so much out on him and dad, and I forgot to be kind. When I remembered, he'd forgotten. _I kept thinking, timing._

Anyway, he tried taking the scarf from my hand, but I held onto it, stared at him till he stared back. And, I swear to God, tears in my eyes, I tell him, "I love you, too." Three years after he said it. Because three years later, I loved him too. Except he let the scarf go, and I wasn't sure anymore. He said he'd be back for it another time and he had to drop his girl off at home. For the whole year, I would think he didn't, and sometimes he'd smile and make me a promise only a best friend would make, and I would think he did. I told him again one day, then again another day, and three days ago, I said it one more time, "I love you," and he said "I love you, too," followed by a laugh and, "I think I just beat Felicity". Confusing then, but honestly, I think this was your plan all along. So, thanks.

_Love, Iris_

P.S.: Barry says you both won. He'll do it, so hand over the metaphorical reins."

Felicity blew out the bitter air, and remembered happiness. Her best friend got her other best friend back, and Barry and Iris were finally getting it right. Good for them.

;;

_March 2018 (one)  
><em>

She suddenly had a little more time. She was still in charge of STAR Labs, but Barry had brought in a couple of kids to tutor under Cisco, and they were very helpful with day to day stuff. He also decided it was time to trust Caitlin outside of her frozen haven, allowing her to work with him in the city. It was in small intervals, and Cisco monitored her heavily, but she was being very cooperative. Iris had even dubbed her The Flash's partner in an article.

Felicity was extremely proud of them, and felt free to visit her beginnings. She didn't tell them, deciding to surprise them.

Diggle and Roy were having a drink at the bar when she strode up them.

"What are we having?" she asked.

Roy jumped up, surprising her with a hell of a hug. She hugged him back after a moment and laughed. "Hi!"

Diggle stood up slowly, then encased them both.

"Tell me you're back, back," Diggle whispered.

"I'm visiting," she clarified, "a few days."

Her boys let go, and she heard Lyla yell out, "We've outnumbered the men!"

Felicity turned to the woman and gleamed when she saw that Sara was at her feet, coloring. "It's all I've ever wanted."

She ran to hug her, then bent down to look at the gorgeous three year old girl.

"Hello, Sara."

She whipped her head up, blinked to put the voice and face together.

"Felicity!" She reached up for a hug, and Felicity picked her up. She and the toddler had infamous, countless Skype sessions.

Felicity kissed her and tickled her, until the girl was a total fit of giggles. She set her down, but kept a firm grip on Felicity's hand.

"Wanna draw?"

"Always," she nodded. She sat down, and Diggle and Roy soon joined them. Lyla set herself at the bar to take over the drinking duties.

Twenty minutes later, Sara grabbed all the papers in a pile behind her and said, "Mine." When Diggle tried to grab them, she got up, clutching them to her small chest, and started running.

"Not again," he groaned, but he already started chasing after her. Felicity laughed, and Roy fell on his back.

"Thank God no one will ever see my drawing."

"What makes you think that?" Felicity asked.

"If it can break or rip or fall apart, she'll be the catalyst."

He was completely serious, Felicity would find out over the next few days.

She stood up, shook her skirt, and quietly made her way to the entrance of the foundry.

She made her way down the stairs, and could hear Chloe speaking with Laurel and Oliver. They heard her, too.

When she reached them, she offered a quiet 'hey', so Chloe could finish talking with her team. In the meantime, she fiddled with the old things she used to know so well. The first aid kits, the weights piled beneath the table where she used to dress Oliver's wounds. She sat herself up on the table, swinging her feet.

After a few minutes, the voices stopped, and she looked over at them. Oliver avoided her gaze.

"So what brings you to us?" Laurel called out.

"Nothing in particular," she answered.

Chloe walked over to her.

"It's been quite awhile."

Felicity jumped down. She was only inches taller than Chloe, but felt like a giant in front of her. She leaned in for a hug.

"I've missed you," Chloe admitted, "even after you threw me to the lions without a proper induction."

"I knew you'd get it. You're the smartest person I know."

"I'm the smartest person I know, as well," Chloe winked.

"I forgot about that trait you have," Felicity said facetiously.

"Alright, well I'm done here, but grab me for dinner later."

Felicity nodded, and Chloe grabbed her bag, and ran off.

Laurel started making herself busy on the other side of the room, doing push-ups. Oliver stayed by the computers, settling himself in. Slowly, Felicity made her way to him.

She didn't stand too close to him.

"Hi, Oliver."

He glanced briefly at her.

"Hey."

"I'm in town for a few days, and I would completely understand if you didn't want me hanging out down here, I know I'm not a part of your operations-"

"Felicity," he stood up rather abruptly, "You're always welcome down here. You don't need my permission."

"I didn't say anything about permission."

"Listen," he snapped, "I know we haven't talked but really, it hasn't been intentional. You're welcome here. Sure, it would have been nice to get a warning that you were coming in to town, but it's not like we owe each other anything."

"You say that like you've tried reaching out."

Oliver turned his back to her. "I've been busy."

"And I'm the easiest person to drop to clear your schedule, right?"

He turned so only half his back was to her.

"You haven't reached out to me, either."

That was true. They had dropped each other at the same time. Felicity didn't think it a coincidence. She feared Laurel told him a truth Felicity hadn't been brave to say herself. Hell, Laurel could hear this entire conversation as well. Felicity looked over at her and had half a mind to drag her into it, but thought better of it.

Felicity dropped her voice to a low register.

"Just say it, Oliver. Tell me exactly what capacity you want me in your life."

"Didn't you make your own decision about that already? Almost three years ago, actually."

"Jesus, just hold it over my head, like always. I walked away, I left, and it wasn't because you were some Holy Ground I couldn't handle. How many times do you want to hear it?"

"You've never once said it all, Felicity. You've held back just as much as me. That day I came to see you, it was right there, and we both let myself walk away."

"But if it's Laurel, you can stay, right? When it was Sara, you could try? Face it, you want things on your terms, something that you know already."

"Don't tell me what I want."

"Hey!" Laurel broke them apart. Felicity and Oliver had somehow managed to stand toe to toe, bouncing off hushed angry tones, and somehow, Laurel had made it over to them without them noticing.

She glared over at Oliver, but grabbed Felicity's hand.

"Felicity and I are going to find Chloe and talk about anything except you and tomorrow, you two can either fight it out without whispering or let it the fuck go."

Oliver shook his head.

Felicity laughed grimly. "Let's just go, Laurel." She began walking away, but Laurel stayed a second longer.

"One of you is fucking this up more than the other. And you know who it is," Laurel shot at Oliver.

He'd known for a long time.

;;

_unsent saved drafts_

[2015 OCTOBER]

Felicity, I thought about bringing you back to Starling for your birthday. Just a night, at least. I could have you home for this one important date. I still don't think it's a horrible idea.

[2015 NOVEMBER]

The leaves are falling off trees. Remember when you stood outside QC and yelled at that kid for shaking that tree too hard, told him nature was in charge of those leaves falling? It's all I remember from last fall.

[2015 DECEMBER]

This time of year feels like things gone wrong. I should have been better.

[2015 DECEMBER]

I wish, more than anything, you trusted me, but I know, you handled everything with Dr. Wells better than I would have. You handle everything better.

[2016 FEBRUARY]

I thought I saw you at Tech Village. I don't know how long I stood there, waiting for it to be your face. It wasn't.

[2016 APRIL]

I can set up a company and leave it in your hands, too.

[2016 MAY]

I'm sorry I missed your call, but I won't be erasing that voicemail of you singing/screaming 'happy birthday' anytime soon. I lov

[2016 SEPTEMBER]

I wonder what Barry and STAR Labs gave to you that I couldn't. I'm sorry.

[2016 NOVEMBER]

Happy Thanksgiving, Happy Holidays, happy everything, still can't believe I don't get to kiss you after every happy.

[2017 JANUARY]

I read your messages back to myself far too much.

[2017 FEBRUARY]

I stood up the blind date Thea set me up on. You would kill me if you knew.

[2017 APRIL]

I'm right here. This is Barry's fight, but Dr. Wells is far too dangerous for me not to be here, just in case.

[2017 APRIL]

You look so relieved, proud even. I'm just glad you're fine.

[2017 JUNE]

Remind me that Laur and I aren't best for each other. Call me out on my shit.

[2017 AUGUST]

Felicity

[2017 AUGUST]

I want to s

[2017 SEPTEMBER]

Laurel's walked away and I'm hurt but I'm glad. It doesn't matter if you know or not, I guess. What good does it do, telling you my relationship status? Fuck.

[2017 SEPTEMBER]

I know you could easily look at these drafts. I almost wish you did. But I know you'd never do it. I'm glad.

[2017 OCTOBER]

Felicity, I'm still here. I don't have anywhere I have to be.

[2017 OCTOBER]

Next time I'll stay instead.

[2017 NOVEMBER]

One of these days you won't break up with the guy you're seeing, and he'll be so grateful and you'll choose him and I'm afraid I won't know how to be happy for you anymore. Further proof you deserve better.

[2017 DECEMBER]

I use your old desk name sign as a paperweight in my office. Whenever someone asks, I tell them I'm giving your name a purpose at QC as a good luck charm. She did wonders for STAR Labs after it died and came back, after all. It's really just for me.

[2018 JANUARY]

Why can't we move on? I don't even try, and when you message me, when you call me, I know you're not trying either. You ignored your boyfriend at the time when we went out your birthday morning. Pretended not to see his name when he called you. You text me before anyone else every holiday. Goddamit Felicity what the fuck are we playing at.

[2018 JANUARY]

You don't have to love me back. It's okay, I'll manage.

;;

_March 2018 (two)_

Felicity had enjoyed a great afternoon and dinner with Chloe and Laurel. They went over a dozen things, but all vague. Easy things with each other. Necessary because although Felicity had kept in touch with the two women, it had still been a long time since they were actually in her life. But there was clearly a deep camaraderie between Chloe and Laurel. Felicity was glad to see that while she had found her Iris, Laurel had found her Chloe.

The next day was more the speed the girls could all adjust to.

The day started off peacefully enough and was turning into another quiet evening. Felicity had lunch with Diggle and his family and was going to join Roy for a marathon of bad movies released in the past year. Then the call to arms came in and Felicity invited herself.

She settled a couple computers over from Chloe and fitted a headset over her ears as she hacked into a security mainframe and Chloe disrupted the local news signal, giving the immediate world around them radio silence.

Diggle had been asking questions over the headset when Oliver's voice came in a clear stream.

"Felicity, I need the coordinates for the signal that was playing the footage on air. "

Chloe leaned back in her chair and Felicity didn't miss the cocked eyebrow and grin.

She opened her mouth but didn't bother defending herself.

"Just logged it into your GPS. It looks like a private residence so be nice to the neighbors. "

"Stay on the comms," and it sounded almost like an order but she could tell from his tone it was a hope.

"You're stuck with my voice tonight, Green Arrow."

He didn't respond, let Diggle ride in with his update on the situation. Chloe turned off her earpiece, however, and whispered to her fellow blond, "so he does know how to ask nicely."

Felicity gave her a meek smile and returned her attention to the mission.

.

Roy and Oliver returned, Roy dragging himself to the med table, Oliver walking tentatively behind him.

Before anyone bothered asking but after Felicity rushed over to him, he said "It's just bruises and a cut lip." They always did love to self diagnose.

"Where's John?" Felicity asked as she prepared to fuss over Roy.

"He went home after the job was done, we're all fine," Oliver answered her, though Felicity kept her focus on Roy.

Chloe busted out the swabs and band-aids and took over before Felicity, though, already set in her own routine. Felicity took a step back, bumping into Oliver.

"Oof, sorry," she turned, facing him.

He also had a bruise on his face, though not as dark as the two on Roy's face.

"You're like a brick wall," she mumbled, "but in a good way...you know what I mean." He stood silent. She reached her hand to his face, brushing over the bruise. His eyes were dark, trained on her face, but she made sure not to meet the gaze.

"I know it's pretty shocking given what we do around here," Chloe spoke over to them, "but we are out of ice packs. Could one of you grab some ice from Verdant?"

Felicity took her hand away, and Oliver flinched.

"I'll get the ice," Felicity said, and turned toward the stairs.

She ran up the steps of the foundry, pushing away a hoard of girls gathered near the opposite side of the door.

The music pounded at her eardrums-it'd been a long time since she'd been accustomed to flashing lights and a loud bass.

She jogged behind the bar, waving to the always busy Thea. She mouthed "ice" to her and Thea have her the thumbs up.

Felicity grabbed an ice bucket usually reserved for bottle service and scooped out enough ice to fill the bucket. She was glad that the basics of Verdant had not changed, even if some of the decor had.

She stood and swirled on her heel when she felt it again, the brick wall.

"Fuck," she said, and she used her upper arm to push her glasses up on her nose. Thankfully she had not lost control of the bucket, though the ice rustled. She glanced up to find Oliver looking down at her.

"What-" she began, but before she could form any semblance of a sentence, he grabbed the bucket from her fingers, set it on the top of the ice container, and pulled her by the hips.

She saw a bright pink flash of light flutter over her eyelids, heard a pop of synthesized beats worm into her ears, and felt the crash of OIiver's mouth on hers. Then, quiet. A small hunger moved her lips against his, and her fingers curled over the hands that were stone set on her hips.

He pulled back, and she staggered. She opened her eyes, her mouth agape.

Then, "how did you change so fast?"

Oliver frowned at her. "I just dropped the jacket and-"

"You're wearing the green pants in public!" she yelled.

Oliver looked around him. "No one's looking at us."

It was true. People were either drinking, making out, looking after a friend or their significant other, or doing all three at once.

Felicity huffed and waved her hand. "Reckless."

She grabbed the ice bucket, and walked quickly back to the entrance of the foundry.

Oliver trailed her, and he wanted to pull her back, get some reaction of his own liking, but he made enough of a scene already. Even he knew he had been selfish enough for the day.

Back downstairs, Felicity set the ice near the med table and pulled out one of Oliver's back-up t-shirts he kept for when he was done working out.

"You mind?" she hollered at Oliver. Still stung, he shook his head, "go ahead." She nodded and proceeded to run a pair of scissors at the side inseam.

"Always gotta ask permission," she mumbled, the fabric tearing. She cut the other side of the inseam, and folded ice into each separate piece of the shirt. She handed one to Chloe, who softly pressed it on Roy's face. He took it from her, and said "thanks".

Felicity, on the other hand, marched up to Oliver, and pushed the other makeshift pack into his hands.

"Here, before your brain completely swells."

He had little time for a retort, as she grabbed her sweater and purse in a quick beat. (This stunned Oliver, this angry, discontent Felicity.)

"This has been fun," she told them, "but I'm going to leave before any habits form."

Oliver finally spoke up. "Felicity, you don't have to go."

She paused on her way to the stairs, a hand on the rail. She bit her lip, and she focused on his eyes, on the deep blue she had perfectly memorized already.

"She knows that," Chloe said.

Oliver turned to glare at Chloe, who looked at him disappointingly. (Oddly, she always seemed to know so much. He always wondered how, but hated it too much to give her the satisfaction.)

When he turned his eyes back to the stairs, the last click of Felicity's heels had already been heard for the night.

.

_March 2018 (three)_

She cut her stay a night. By late morning, she decided she couldn't stand Starling. Any sweet nostalgia and feeling of home had broken down in a club that hid the city's best kept secret. She made a few calls, one to Diggle, one to Roy, and one to Laurel.

Diggle fought her, insisted he would pick her up from her hotel, drop her off at the station when he finally gave up. Roy was understanding, but said she was welcome back when she needed to come back. Laurel said "okay," her voice a deep disappointing tone. No one got their amends, she could hear in all their voices. She knew this.

But this time, when she waited at the station, this time, Oliver was there.

She set her small suitcase down on the platform, her red coat fluttered as a train, not hers, flew by. She turned to look over at Diggle, to thank him for the ride, he kissed her cheek, gave her his best smile, and as she watched him leave, she saw Oliver coming her way. Diggle and Oliver nodded at each other as they walked past each other, and Felicity's fist clenched.

She turned her head back to the train track, studying the old twisted metal. Oliver's quiet steps approached her, and she made her thoughts busy with theorems and codes.

"Hey."

And her head went to messages and calls that began with 'hey', all in his voice. The days felt like sinking sand when she didn't hear from him, but having him there was a total flood. She picked at the skin on her right thumb.

"Hmm," she nodded in his general direction.

"John called to tell me you were leaving."

His hands in his pocket, his face also was trained on the train track.

Felicity smoothed over her already straight coat and licked her lips. She thought about just nodding, then thought about rolling her eyes and saying 'of course'. But her eyes were already filling with tears, and why did he have to come to see her off? She had, in total, been to Starling three times, four with this one, after she left it. She always took the train back. Someone always bid her off. Never Oliver. Not the first time, not the last time. Of all the ways to catch her off guard.

"I want you to stop, Oliver." She said it so quietly, he hoped he misunderstood. He turned his body to her and restrained himself from touching her arm when he saw her flushed cheeks.

His eyes shifted back and forth, hoping to catch some meaning from her tense face and wet eyes.

"Stop what?"

"It was one thing when you kissed me all those years ago. Another to tell me you love me. But all those messages, the birthday visit, making promises...You said goodbye once, Oliver, and it nearly killed me. And now you're here, another one of our sure to be memorable goodbyes. Enough."

She blinked, hard, drew a deep breath. She hoped, that when she opened her eyes, he'd spared her and disappeared, the way he was so wickedly good at.

He stood firm in front of her.

And Oliver Queen was never very good at words. Charm he had in spades, parlaying vague messages with a side glance and a grin. But give him words, and he'd sound like a stone. So he would normally sit on his own paragraphs, spurting them out when he reached a cap, then shutting them back down in long spells. He supposed he could do something about it this one time, for the woman in front of him, the one, he realized, he'd hurt by giving her moments rather than whole focus.

"I don't know how to. You traded us in for another team and left us with someone with your skill but who wasn't you, and it's pissed me off every day for three years. Every day, I look around the Arrow's home, knowing it's less than home. Every day I wait to hear, she's coming back. Every day I wonder why you never kissed me first, why you never could say you loved me, what I could do to deserve you. And every day, I know it's because you're Felicity, you deserve the best heart. So I pray for your happiness, but I'm a hypocrite in the worst way and I have to know what you're thinking, feeling, have to hear your voice. I've wanted a piece of you, just anything at all, from the day you've left. That has won over every angry part of me. The small hope a message could be waiting from you has won out anytime I started to get angry at the world, at the person who's trying to breaking down the world whatever day of the week, and at you for leaving."

Felicity's nose twitched and she chewed on her lower lip.

"You haven't yelled at me in years," she drew out the realization.

He laughed, a hard throaty laugh. "I couldn't possibly, anymore. Laurel told me I had to get it out, you know. Just months ago, she said I wasn't letting myself be angry at us despite the fact that it is stupid, what we've done to each other. But I can't do it. This has always been more my fault then yours."

He couldn't help but look away. He'd said a lot considering it was, well, him.

"You have to stop with this guilt thing, Oliver. I'm responsible for a lot of it, too, but I'm still perfectly capable of screaming at you. In fact, if we weren't in a very public place right now, I would be yelling very loudly right now."

There was touch of light in her tone, and Oliver smirked to himself.

"I'm actually very proud of myself," she continued, "for not hitting you and yelling at you last night. What in the world possessed you to do that?"

Oliver looked right at her again, and the new intensity in his eyes caused her to step back involuntarily.

"Everything about you."

There he was, saying things, doing things, again. It was exhausting. She glanced down at her watch, sensing that time was closing around them. The train would be arriving shortly, and would begin boarding in five minutes.

She looked back at him, and swallowed yet another uncertainty.

"I'm boarding that train, Oliver. I'm going back to Central City today, like I have every time. And like I have for the past nearly three years, I'm going to miss you, all the time. I'm going to think, I've loved this man for the last part of my 20s, and I'm going to start my 30s still thinking of him. I'm going to close my eyes, open them, and then erase every text, voicemail, and message you've left me. I won't unfeel anything, but at least I can try very hard not to spend my every thought on you."

Oliver felt it, the rush to his throat, the twist in his gut.

"Or," and Felicity grabbed his wrist, pushed her feet up, standing on her tiptoes, "I get one more message, clear and sure."

She put both hands on either of his face, training his eyes to stay on hers, and when she felt him only watching her, only focused on her, she pressed her mouth firmly on his, then moved her hands to his hair.

She moved her lips, opening the space to press her tongue into his mouth. He didn't take it for granted, snaking his hands around her waist, lifting her up, her body close against him. Her fingers wove into his hair, and he would have forgotten where he was if she didn't stop just as suddenly as she started. She pulled his hands away, and he let her go less than gently back on the ground. She stumbled but landed just fine.

She cleared her throat and swallowed hard. She took off her glasses to wipe off the small fog, and after putting them back on her nose, she sighed, "yep, that was good."

Her train pulled up, and she nervously pulled at the blouse she wore.

Oliver reached for her hand, but she reached only for her suitcase. She began walking away, then looked at Oliver again.

"That wasn't too vague, was it? I could-"

Oliver shook his head at her. "I understand," he simply said.

She felt a strike of fear. A definite fear. She blinked fast, turned to her destination, over to the mode of transportation that would take her away from Starling, handed over her boarding pass, and quickly made her way to her seat. '_Don't look out the window, don't look out.'_

This was it, now or never felt like it was coming right at her. She closed her eyes, her phone gripped tightly in her hands. He could tell her now, tell her days later, tell her never. She let out a shaky breath, glad she had no one sitting next to her.

Her phone beeped and she jumped up. The person across from her eyed her warily, holding their belongings closer to their person.

Felicity didn't notice a single thing or person aboard the train, though.

"Probably John, checking in," she whispered.

She counted to three in her head, and looked down. A text message.

_**Oliver:** Will you go out with me?_

A second beep.

_**Oliver:** On a date, a romantic one, so you won't wonder._

She smiled, and the train's engine turned over. She was damned if she was going back to Central City that night though.

Felicity jumped from her seat, and she ran back to the door she had entered through. There were still two minutes of boarding left.

She jumped off the steps (she'd gotten really good at running and jumping in heels), and ran to a very amused Oliver.

"Yes!" she yelled, even though he was literally right in front of her. He grinned, and Felicity jumped into his arms. This time, he fell back a bit. She began kissing him, when against her mouth, he said, "you left your suitcase."

She pulled back and her eyes widened. The train's horn went off, and the wheels turned. "I have nothing to wear." She sounded petrified.

Oliver leaned in, pulling the belt of her coat, "This might just be the best day of my life."

She jabbed him in the side, unamused.

He rolled his eyes. "I might have things you can use at my place."

"Thea is a million times smaller than me," she began calculating in her head, and it hit her, "not Thea's?"

Oliver grimaced. "We're not going back to my place, are we?"

Felicity leaned in, with a complete straight face, though Oliver couldn't focus on anything but her mouth. "Guess you'll be finding out how forgiving I am, today." She pressed her lips on his, and touched his bottom lip with the tip of her tongue. He moved his mouth forward, pressing his thumbs into her ribs, but Felicity moved her face fast away. "Or not forgiving."

Oliver growled and she couldn't help a laugh, couldn't help kissing him again. Afraid they were starting to put on a show for the photographer she saw lingering around the ticket booth, Felicity finally put them in motion away from the train station after four minutes of long kisses and nearly inappropriate (for the public) hand placements.

.

_March 2018 (four)_

The next morning, Oliver helped her step into the train, same outfit as the day before. He didn't say goodbye, just promised to see her soon.

(They'd spent nearly a full 24 hours together, making lunch and dinner for each other in his all too spacious, usually lonely house. She counted it as one very long date, he counted it as a pre-date, insisting he'd take her somewhere proper eventually, annoyed that this was almost like her birthday all over again. The only thing certain was that neither lunch nor dinner had been properly finished, as Felicity kept getting distracted, i.e. straddling Oliver's lap not five bites into each meal. Then, in the morning, breakfast had been completely forsaken. Meals took a backseat, and Felicity deemed the suitcase a necessary loss.)

"This is not a long-distance relationship," she reminded him as she boarded the train. "Just a small challenge. A fun challenge, even."

"I know," he said, kissing her forehead.

"And if you need me to hijack an ARGUS jet, just tell me, and it's done."

He laughed, knowing she would never do such a thing.

She hit his chest. "I am very serious."

He straightened his face. "Of course."

She smiled, satisfied. He offered his hand and she took it, stepping up on the train. She didn't know what to say, and he didn't either.

Felicity took her seat, and leaned back, feeling a lack of heaviness. She'd forgotten that was there, her body's capacity to hum.

Her phone beeped, and lazily, she read off a text message from Oliver.

_As always, I'll be waiting for you._

Felicity replied back, _I should invest in a lifetime train membership, if there is such a thing._

;;

_April 2018_

Idiotically, they thought they'd be able to keep it to themselves for a small piece of time.

Felicity told Iris the day she returned from Starling, and the next morning, a blog ran blurry photos of CEO, new, old millionaire Oliver Queen getting extremely comfortable with a blonde at a train station. The ponytail gave her away, and Diggle could not stop sending her starry emojis. It was strange.

"How's everyone else taking it?" Felicity asked over the phone. She was so glad to not be there but absolutely sorry for Oliver.

"Roy threatened me. I've never been seriously scared of him until today. Chloe hasn't said a word. Laurel said she's happy for me. But honestly, John and Lyla are overdoing it."

Felicity bit back a laugh, knowing he was already frustrated. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be. I'm not."

;;

_May 2018_

For his birthday, Oliver spent three nights in Central City, and Felicity spent the last four of the week in Starling. Oliver nearly fooled himself into thinking this would make her ready to come home. She couldn't leave after making room for her clothes in his drawer, moving objects around the nightstand, filling up his pantry with junk food he'd never touched.

But, it was never his love or lack of it that primarily motivated her move. Knowing this 100% now, instead of upsetting him, healed over the wound. He didn't drive her out of Starling.

;;

_June 2018_

It had been, officially, three years since the move. And here was something only Felicity's mother knew - Felicity did not have an affinity for land or roofs. She could be affectionate about places, miss them at times, even, but she never felt tied to this soil or enlivened by that particular view.

Las Vegas, Nevada had been the place she stayed the most. Massachusetts only kept her so long because she had to finish college. Prior to Starling, she'd lived in Michigan for just over a year, where she met and was recruited by Walter Steele. Moving for the great job prospect was a no-brainer, and then she spent nearly two years in her little office down in Queen Consolidated. It was almost enough. The big city and big company, though, that was great. It was almost exactly what she needed. So she stayed in Starling for that. And then she stayed for the Arrow, for Oliver. Nearly five years in the big city.

If she were being completely honest, it had been in the back of her mind for several months before she even quit Palmer Tech. When she finally left, and she was on the train for all those countless hours (not that she was complaining, something about traveling by train was oddly calming), she stopped herself several times from crying. She would miss the foundry, miss the restaurant across from her former VP job, miss her team, miss it all. But when she arrived at Central City, the mostly unfamiliar terrain around her, she felt infused by an energy she hadn't felt in years. She hungered to explore it all, find the hidden shops, old histories, new people, new job.

It started to feel stale after the incident with Caitlin. She reminded herself of a few things at that point.

When Bart was off being a hero, he could get hurt, someday she could lose him. But he had a better chance at surviving than Oliver and Roy; his wounds healed over immediately. She didn't have to busy her hands over fresh blood. Maybe it was a bad thing, but it was just easier being there for him. (It was a terrible thought, to be glad it wasn't her other boys.)

She wasn't distracting him, either. Sure, Barry, Cisco, Caitlin, Iris, and Joe, worried over her safety. But Joe and Iris weren't down in the lab, chasing whatever threat at the same intensity...half of the time, anyway. Barry was their main protection, and he didn't fret over her the way Oliver had. It was good, to have that small space, the lack of distraction.

And Iris. Even after she took over STAR Labs, Felicity wasn't inclined to stay much longer. But she thought constantly of her friend, of how she needed her and vice versa. The girls had, at different paces, learned all about being present forces of extraordinary lives and circumstances. Both had crazy curiosities and innate stubbornness intent on being more than just on the sidelines. Iris was bright and thoughtful, and for whatever reason she had insisted on helping Felicity find an apartment, participate in a dozen (felt more like a million) charity marathons, needed her encouragement to move to Metropolis for six months, and not once was angry at her for not telling her about Barry. She imagined not having her best friend so close, and it was a ridiculous sort of wonderment.

However, Felicity knew, if she ever managed to weigh out these reasons, she would seriously consider returning to Starling. She had never gone back to anywhere, but that's where she would go back. She wanted to participate in life-saving antics just as much as anyone else, and Starling had been the point of that discovery. And, she missed it sometimes. In ways she wasn't accustomed to missing places. Though, she knew, a lot of it had to do with the people. Felicity had not set out to find a family. Sure, it was something, someday, she hoped to find, but she didn't have an immediate necessity for it, she had thought.

Now, here she was, two families. Here, three years later, nearly to the date, she thought maybe, going back wasn't so bad.

But she kept this thought to herself, this little spark that made her feet flex. Maybe it was just the synapses crackling in her head, the adrenaline in her system, the burning rush that drew through her heart now that she was with Oliver. Maybe she didn't really want to go back to a place she'd been already, maybe she needed a new place. She wasn't sure of any of it. She proceeded with caution.

;;

_July 2018_

"I know what's on your mind."

Iris was wearing that know-it-all smirk, so smug and confident, that always bewildered Felicity. It was almost like Iris had something up her sleeve, or knew something and wanted people to beg her to spill.

Felicity put her pen down. She had been going over another long course of paperwork when Iris had stopped by the lab to have lunch/dinner with her. Barry was in the next work, training, though he kept interrupting them.

"There's a million things on my mind," and she waved at her desk, corrupted by the papers.

"That I told you to put away. You usually listen to me and let us enjoy our time together, but you're trying to keep busy. And I know why."

Felicity really had been trying to fill up her time by working more than usual.

Right at that moment, Barry came running in (per usual), and took a seat by Iris. Felicity caught the papers that began to float, and she twisted her face.

"What are we eating?"

"Out," both girls said at once. He frowned, sighed, pecked Iris quickly on the cheek, and ran back out. Iris laughed softly, and Felicity rolled her eyes.

"Just encourage him," Felicity mumbled.

"He is impossible to stay mad at," Iris insisted. She was right. The guy was much too adorable to earnestly be irate at his behavior.

"Felicity," Iris sobered, "I just want to tell you, it's okay. And I honestly can't believe I have to tell you this, because you're perfectly good at going after things you want. Look at what you're doing, it's amazing. Great job, great place, most amazing catch of your life - me -, all yours. Except when it came to Oliver Queen. A little slow at that."

"Oh no, we are not talking about this," Felicity chuckled nervously, realizing where Iris was heading with this. Apparently Felicity had become all too easy to read. "And really, are we just going to talk about boys when we're hanging out, because I so don't want to be those type of friends."

"Just, let me say this, and I'll quit talking about Oliver, even Barry," Iris offered.

Felicity looked at her skeptically, but abided. She folded her hands over the table, and looked intently at Iris. "Okay, I'm listening."

"So, good, you're with the guy you've always wanted. Now you're thinking about going for it, really. Because it's one thing to call him everyday, see him once or twice a week, but that's not how a relationship starts, right in the middle, instead of the actual start. At least in my opinion, those first few months, that's when you're inseparable, hot and crazy about everything. So if you're thinking, maybe going to him wouldn't be the worst, I say, go for it. Don't miss out because some idiots might think you're only doing it for some guy, because I know you better, and I'm sure your other friends will know that, too. He's not some guy, after all, and, I've been able to tell for awhile that you're not enjoying this city half as much anymore." That last part, she said with a little bit of sting, but she kept smiling.

Felicity drew her shoulders back. "I've loved this place. Really." She extended her arm, and squeezed Iris' hand.

Iris placed her other hand over Felicity's, and nodded. "I know. But Central City is my home. Where's yours?"

;;

_July 2018_

Oliver swept Felicity's low hanging ponytail aside, and kissed the back of her neck. He pressed his bare chest against her back, humming into her sweater.

"I did not know you were capable of sleeping in so long," Felicity commented. She had been cleaning up the mess they'd left in the living room when he'd finally awoken.

"I was exhausted," he whispered. His arms circled her small waist, and Felicity leaned back, her hands hooked into his arms.

"Still you made the trip over," she reminded him, "you should not be wasting your energy."

He turned her around to him, still keeping her secure in his arms. He smiled lazily at her, and she bit down on her own smile, trying her best to remain serious.

"I don't think last night was a waste of energy," he pressed a soft kiss on her mouth, and she laughed.

"Just don't ever blame me if the Green Arrow isn't up to his usual showmanship."

"He is always at the top of his game." He was gravely serious.

"I think if you ever considered having a practical good sense of humor, I would not recognize you."

"I just have a very mature sense of humor."

"Anyway," Felicity looked away, and untied herself from his hold. He looked a little wounded, but Felicity was more focused on the shoddy looking living room and now useless wine left opened the night before, half unused.

Oliver followed her lead and helped her clean up.

"You work today?" Oliver asked.

"I don't plan on it. But you know how that goes."

He nodded, even though her back was to him.

"You could come with me to Starling."

Felicity stood up straight, and turned her head to him.

"For a night," he raised his arms, clarifying.

Felicity continued looking at him, then turned away quickly.

"I actually have a couple of plans. And I have to talk to my team about something important."

Oliver wasn't very good with follow-up questions with the people in his life. He always figured if someone he cared about wanted to tell him something, they'd tell him the whole thing without prying.

Felicity didn't hear a word out of him, and she thought about putting it off for another time. She wasn't sure how her afternoon would go, if she'd even go through with it.

"I'm thinking about handing the lab over to Caitlin and moving back to Starling," she said in a mumbled, fast string.

Oliver froze in place, and his heart gave a jolt. But he kept himself in check.

He put down the pillow on the couch, its proper place.

"You think Caitlin can take on such a large task?"

Felicity liked her lips. She should have known he'd respond in a logistical manner. She didn't know whether to be glad for his lack of emotional reaction or not.

"Yes, I do. She's learned to control her abilities, and she knows the operation inside and out. I almost feel like this whole time, I was just holding down the fort until Dr. Caitlin Snow was ready for it. Besides, imagine how she could help others like her. She can relate to them, and they to her. They'd know to trust her."

Oliver nodded. Felicity had good, fair judgement, he knew that.

"I just hope Barry and Cisco see it that way."

She made her way over to Oliver when he started toward the kitchen with the glasses that had been on the coffee table.

She followed him, and grabbed his arm as he set the glasses down in the sink.

Oliver turned to her, and gave her a small smile.

She didn't say anything, but kept her hand on his arm. She shifted her eyes back and forth, looking for his thoughts on the whole thing.

He placed his hands on her shoulder, her hand falling away, the way that always dwarfed her.

"How sure are you about Starling? And how much is it about me?"

Felicity leaned her body into his, hugging him. It took a second, but he hugged her back, and he propped his chin on her head.

"I'll know how sure I am after talking to Caitlin and everyone else. And a lot of it is about you, John, and Roy. Besides, I've got plans."

Oliver pulled apart from her a bit, to look down at her.

"What sort of plans?"

"Opening another lab, for one, and Starling would be a good location. Hiring the reformed, the eager to help, the undervalued employees of Queen Consolidated to run a branch of STAR Labs focused on helping Starling overcome its crippling crime rate, while the branch in Central City focuses on the scientific ends of things."

"Starling's crime rates are down, I have-" Oliver stopped. He knew what she meant, clearly, he was just, as always, getting caught up. "You've thought about this." He even smiled.

"Thought some about it. Nothing's set."

"Whatever you decide, I'm still here."

"Thank you." She sighed, relieved. She was still scared of what she would decide, and if and how it would affect them. But his words still gave her comfort.

She leaned back into his chest, held him tight.

"I love you," she said into his bare skin, her mouth hovering over an old scar.

"I love you, too," he said back.

;;

_late October 2018_

It was almost unbearable to say goodbye to Iris. She was crying, and by the end of it, Felicity was crying too.

(Joe said he never thought he'd be blessed with another great kid, and he said he had to leave his handcuffs at home because he really feared cuffing her at the station and dragging her back.

Cisco made her swear on a Bible he'd brought with him that it was not the last time she set foot in Central City.

Caitlin said she literally had no words, as she tried to keep from crying. "You changed my life," were her last words, as Felicity insisted she had only happened to be there for the incredible ride.

Barry kept saying, "you'll be back," and Felicity waved him off, knowing she'd probably see him within 24 hours.)

And when Felicity made it through the goodbyes mostly intact, and when her ride toward Starling had her heart beating quickly in anticipation, all a strict contrast to the time she'd left for Central City, she knew, absolutely, she was going, finally, to a place she'd gladly call home.

.

Oliver sent Chloe to pick her up under the guise that he was in meetings all day, but John and Roy would meet her at Chloe's apartment. (Where Felicity was staying until she found a place. She had decided her move rather quickly and was busy handing over the lab to Caitlin and hadn't gotten to the house-hunting part.)

It was all pretty clearly a scheme to surprise her with a party of some sort, but Felicity was glad to be met at the station by a level-headed person.

"Welcome, Miss Smoak," Chloe greeted her, opening her arms. The girls hugged, and began toward the town car Oliver had lent Chloe.

"Very nice," Felicity commented.

"I know. I've never felt like a classy underpaid employee until today. Not a good combo, I have to say."

They boarded the car, and Felicity drew down a window to look out at the roads they passed.

"I'm very glad to have you back, Felicity," Chloe said.

Felicity smiled, gleaming at Chloe. "Ditto that."

"And I've been assured that I am in no danger of losing my job."

"It's your job, no question. I'll be working on other things, I have no intention of taking anything away from anyone."

"Right. But what if the position was vacated and the best qualified person was available to fill it?"

Felicity turned her head sideways, confused.

"Why would it be vacated?"

Chloe bit her lower lip, and clicked her tongue. "Because I've done my job. I filled an empty space, watching this great team while said team's former glue was away, doing other great things in her life without them. I watched these amazing people repeatedly, ambitiously save this world, mostly without due recognition. I filled a space while the great Oliver Queen got his head out of his ass, grew up a little more each day, and he needed you to be away so he could find other things to hold onto. But you're back now, and he's earned it, earned being his personal best."

Felicity's mouth felt clamped shut. She had many conversations with Chloe over the years, but they hardly ever touched on the too personal. They had met at Palmer Tech, where Chloe had been hired as a part-time consultant. She was a good six years older than Felicity, supremely confident and smart, smarter than anyone she'd ever met. Felicity had trusted her immediately, and when Chloe quit on the grounds that the company's directive was too ambiguous, Felicity felt she would fit in very well with another team-hers.

It started with a vague task she gave to Chloe on getting an overseas account number, and hours later, Chloe knew everything about everyone on the case. The cool she kept and the amazing information she'd gathered on the Arrow and the account and its owner, immediately prompted John to ask her to join. Oliver started to throw a tantrum, and Felicity was very apologetic-she had not anticipated Chloe figuring everything out so quickly. But as soon as Felicity began falling over with apologies, Oliver forgave her, and went so far as apologizing (and now, Felicity thought back on all the times after he returned from the mountains, and how he got less and less aggressive with her). He said it would be fine, that Chloe was useful, but she could not join the team. They contacted her a few times over the months, and she helped every time, never asked for anything. When Felicity and Diggle went to meet her with a prepared offer, she said, "I'll be ready by morning." When they told Oliver that Chloe had accepted the job, he said he was glad to have her on board. It had been strangely easy.

And Felicity saw now, that Chloe had it figured out from the start, whenever that really was.

"Where did you come from, Chloe Sullivan?"

"Nowhere special."

"Well, you can't go back to nowhere special. We need you around."

She shook her head. "No you don't. I'll give you guys a couple of months, when you free up a little from opening up...what are you calling it?"

Felicity thought about it. "It sounds a little corny, but something like Central Port? Not sure on the port part, but I think it would be a nice touch to carry over Central City that way. They have STAR Labs and we have Central whatever."

"Does sound corny. But I like the idea."

"If you like it, that's what counts. You seem to know everything, after all."

Chloe nodded. "So what do you think of working on Team Arrow again."

Felicity stretched her legs out, and played with her ponytail. "I have, admittedly, thought about it. It's technically, a bad idea. Seeing Oliver out there, him knowing I'm out there helping on occasion. But a part of me wants to do it, anyway."

The car slowed, and Felicity looked out to see that they had arrived.

"Well when you're ready, I'll give up the seat. Happily."

Felicity smiled at her. "Let's not tell them about this, yet. Not that there's much to say about it."

"Of course. Although, I have told Laurel."

"How did she react? "

"Well," and she nodded with the only sad smile Felicity would see from Chloe on the subject, "she understands."

.

The room was dark when they entered, and then all the lights turned on at once, revealing a slew of old friends, old teammates, old acquaintances. There were only about a dozen people, but the apartment was still too small for them.

It turned out that Oliver did have many meetings that day, but she was kept busy by the people who were in attendance on time.

Roy stayed at her side most of the night, though he didn't speak much. Once in awhile, he would tilt his head at her, a nice grin on his face, and she would shove him. She was really there, really back, he could back off a little.

John and Lyla had brought Sara, and they only stayed for half of the night, but she reminded herself she had plenty of time for them now.

Thea dropped by at some point, staying for a couple of hours, keeping herself mostly to Laurel. Laurel had helped Oliver's sister regain perspective on her life, and to this day, Thea trusted mostly only the woman who'd been closest to a sister.

Thea was gone not too long before Oliver arrived, at which point he very pointedly hinted at Roy to go elsewhere. Oliver then stayed by her all night, and she would have screamed for some space, but she knew he was even more frustrated for not having her all to himself. The night was winding down, though, and most everyone was beginning to leave.

Before Laurel left, she stood in front of Felicity, and with a deep breath, said how she was very glad to have her back. Laurel, when she was being her absolute most sincere self, was the most inspiring thing to Felicity. She'd known no one else with more personal demons, battles, losses. She had, in truth, been through more experiences than Oliver, and even when Oliver wronged her, she had no malice for the people in Oliver's life. This was the person Felicity thought would have Oliver's love at the end of the day, but he'd chosen her, Felicity, instead. Life took them all for a turn, and here they all were, at peace with each other.

Roy stayed behind to clean, and Felicity began to help, but Chloe stopped her, telling her to take a walk with Oliver.

So they took a walk, Oliver's hand firmly over hers the entire night. He, like every time over the last few weeks, kept insisting that she move in with him. She kept ignoring the idea, saying there was no rush.

They walked for 45 minutes, he walked her back to Chloe's apartment, held her in a long kiss at the door. His hands kneaded the skirt of her dress, his mouth hot in the windy night, her hands pulled on the lapels of his jacket, she said goodnight, and he watched her disappear behind the door.

He wondered how many other ways he could ask her to move in with him so they'd save themselves a thousand goodbyes, and would end up trying all the ways he came up with over the next four months.

;;

_December 2018_

For the holidays, Chloe left behind an empty chair that was soon taken up by Felicity. This move, Oliver had protested. Felicity made him a deal. He would calmly shut up about the whole thing because she was going to work with him either way, and on her end, she would move in with him. This time, the pace of their relationship would be a collaborative effort.

.


	3. settle for atmosphere (sweet sun)

_January 2019_

Barry and Iris married on a crazy night in January. They were heavy with apologies and excuses about living in the moment.

"How about this as a trade-off for you not telling me about Barry?" Iris told Felicity, and Felicity gaped at her.

"I knew you were mad about that!"

"Not mad, just a little disappointed. Let's just call it a toss."

And.

"You were wrong, Oliver Queen. Guys like us, we can have it all."

Oliver was happy to concede to Barry on this.

;;

_still January, 2019_

They were alone at the foundry on a sleepy Thursday early afternoon. The only noise was the sound of weights being hoisted and keys being clicked away.

Felicity tapped a heel, and while her eyes stayed on the screen in front of her, she said over the large space between her and Oliver, "So I'm cleaning out our messaging app, and there's a notice of old drafts that keeps popping up under your username."

Oliver stopping doing his set and sat up. Felicity didn't notice the growth in silence, and kept working. "It came up some months ago when I was cleaning out the conversations and caches, I mean, it doesn't take up a lot of space, it's more the information that I'm trying to keep an eye on."

"You look at it?" he called over, still sitting.

"Nope." She stopped, looking up to see he was studiously looking at his hands as they flexed.

"You okay?" she asked. She pushed herself from her station, rolling over to sit by the end of the desk. She eyed him warily.

"Yeah." He looked up, straightening his posture.

"I won't touch them," she raised a hand, as though making a solemn vow. He smiled softly at that.

Oliver stood from his bench, and walked toward her. When he reached her, he brushed his hand over her shoulder, and went to stand in front of her computer.

Curious, Felicity stood up, and went to stand beside him.

He logged her off her session, and logged into his account to access the program from his end.

He was hunched over and silent, and Felicity really wanted to see what he was doing, but he had extended no invitation, so she stood a few feet behind him, looking up at the ceiling. She distracted herself by counting the lights, thought maybe he was deleting the files permanently (although, she could find an easy way to find them even then, but she really shouldn't do that).

Then Oliver stood up straight again, and looked to her.

"Here," he said, and she shrugged, confused.

"Here what?"

He waved at the screen, where a list of saved drafts with different timestamps filled the screen.

"Oh," she blinked fast, then looked up. She smiled. "I wasn't prying, I promise. You don't have to show me anything because maybe it looked like I was poking around, I swear, I trust you, they're your-"

Oliver stepped forward, and kissed her forehead. "I know you weren't prying. I want you to know, though, know everything."

This made her weak, everywhere. She held his hands, and tried to muster a smile, but she could barely hold onto him as it was.

Oliver pulled the chair from the next station, hers still sitting at the end of the table. He turned it to her, and without further prompt, she sat, and Oliver rolled her toward the computer. Felicity took a deep breath, and moved the mouse to the first draft.

"These are a little embarrassing, so I'm going to stand over here," Oliver said, moving several feet over from her.

As though she wasn't scared enough of what was written.

It was not difficult for her to put the letters' (because that's what they were, letters) dates in context. She had remembered what had transgressed when. Hundreds of miles away, hurt over what they weren't, and them still so very much on the same page.

It took April 2017 to pull down a tear at last. Oliver been there watching over her and her team, and by some grand miracle, he hadn't intervened. But she paced herself, choked down any other tear. There was a lot of grief behind his words, anger spilling out towards the end, but these things weren't the weight of their present and future.

October 2017, she should have made him stay, or at the least gone after him. It didn't matter anymore.

November 2017, they couldn't expect the other to wait forever, couldn't expect the love to stay as long as it already had. She, to that day, didn't know how much longer they'd spiral.

And there was January of last year, his doubt planted like an immovable stone. Maybe all along, it had really been about doubt, not threats and arrows. (It had been. Who could really love Oliver Queen and could make a home with Felicity Smoak? Lifelong fears they'd circled themselves in.)

The last was dated January 2019, only minutes ago. Before she clicked on it, she looked his way. He nodded.

She clicked on the page. It was a short sentence that read like an order, but she saw it as a short question that was just missing its question mark. Her hand froze on the mouse, and her breath slowed.

Then, she laughed. "Good one," she said, closing her eyes, and rubbing them with her right thumb and index fingers.

Oliver stepped to her, and turned her so she faced him. Her eyes flew open, and she smiled, then frowned. He bent down, and she waved her arm, nearly hitting him in the face.

He put his hands on her knees, and now he was looking up at her. He stayed there, not bent on his knees, but hovering over the ground floor.

"It's just a draft, Felicity. But it'll make its way to you when it's ready."

She gulped. "Okay." Her face was ghost white, and she kept her hands by her side, afraid to touch him.

He grinned. So this was Felicity, quiet. It was almost fun, but not quite. He stood up and offered her his hand. She looked between his hand and his face, before deciding to take it. He pulled her up with relative ease, closing the distance between them. He ran a thumb over her cheek, and she leaned into the touch.

"Does it scare you?"

She breathed in deeply. "It's a lot. But I'm not scared. More like a state of disbelief, at everything."

She focused her eyes on his, and in a low voice, said, "thank you for letting me in."

He bent his head down to catch her lips, then made a promise, "Just know I don't intend on wasting anymore time."

Felicity pulled his face back to her-was never close enough anymore.

Tilting her head at him, nose just touching his, she whispered, "Love is a waiting game, Oliver Queen."

Behind her, the draft stayed open on the computer screen, the pointer clicking at the line without a punctuation mark, unsent, awaiting an eventual response: _Marry me_

[end.]


End file.
